Redemption

Last night we went to the David Crowder concert at the Christian Faith Center. Here were a few observations on the night:

1. The church is made up of a bunch of weird people. I guess that’s an open invitation! :-)
2. The Christian Faith Center and Casey Treat SO rub me the wrong way. They have a bookstore in their mammoth multi-million dollar structure with an entire section (like most of the store) of Casey and Wendy Treat books on health, wealth and prosperity – as if God is a genie waiting to grant us our three wishes. It really bothers me when people exploit the gospel and use it for their own profit. I hate that people who don’t believe in God see public leaders like that as a picture of Christianity. That’s not what it’s about. But, Scripture says that God uses the foolishness of men to accomplish His purposes, so if He can use the fool typing this right now, then He can work through (and sometimes, despite) any of us.
3. When I raised my hands to clap above my head, my arms jiggled. That will be all the motivation I need to work out this week.
4. And, finally, the important stuff…best lyrics of the night: “After all falls apart, He repairs, He repairs.” (David Crowder, The Glory of It All). Redemption – the heart of the gospel, and God’s heart for us. I can’t believe how many women tell me on a weekly basis that they’ve lost a child to miscarriage or stillbirth or struggled with years of infertility. I believe that God can…and more than that, LOVES...to redeem the horrific, seemingly helpless situations in our lives and make them something beautiful! So, all of you ladies whose goal pants are maternity jeans and hearts' desires are contentment and healing, believe that with me today! God is a God of redemption…”after all falls apart, He repairs.”

He Provides

"Ask and you will receive, and your joy will be complete." John 16:24b

Last week, I spent 24 hours "retreating" with three wonderful women who have lovingly spoken truth into my life many times over the past 5 months. We spent a considerable amount of time simply praying for each other. My prayer request? Joy. I felt like the joy had been sucked out of my life. And, so they prayed - for God to restore my joy and re-awaken my passion for life and ministry. Thank you, Lord, for hearing us when we call to You. Thank you for women who continue to bless and nurture me as I walk this road. Give me a teachable spirit and time to "be" for You and not just "do" for You. Restore my joy and direct me.

The night I got home from my time with the girls, Shaun and I sat in our living room, me at the piano and Shaun with guitar, and music - worship - filled the room. It was as if the songs were bubbling up from the depths of my soul and pouring out of our brokenness, confusion, and, more than anything, thankfulness. Psalm 16:11 says, "You fill me with joy in Your presence." Just like Asaph in Psalm 73, we entered into God's presence and found joy in shifting our focus from ourselves to Him. Thank you, Lord, for meeting us...as we filled that room with music, You filled it with Your Spirit. May our home be filled with worship daily - worship that is a sweet sound to your ears. Please re-focus my heart and my ministry.

On Saturday, I sat in Starbucks with a new friend who shares the common bond of loss. She shared with me God's providence through her and her husband's journey through miscarriage, unemployment, and questioning God's plan. I was greatly impacted by her unshakeable trust in a God who loves us and knows exactly what He's doing. She reminded me of the promise in Scripture that God never gives us more than we can handle. She also shared how our story had changed her. Thank you, Lord, for beautiful people who praise You through trials! It's truly humbling that You would use our story to challenge and comfort those around us. Please continue to bring people into my life who need Your comfort, and help me to be faithful to share honestly with those people who You are.

And the past four days have been spent in California with a dear friend who blessed me tremendously - with love, prayers, humor, and even a day at the spa. She has refreshed me and reminded me that God's not done with me, there is purpose in the wilderness, and that, while I don't get to be a mom right now, I have the opportunity to be an awesome wife. Thank you, Lord, for renewal and for speaking to me through your Word and through Angie. Help me to trust Your leadership in my life.

And, while I don't necessarily feel joyful, I'm trusting that as I walk obediently through the wilderness to what God has called me to, joy and blessings will follow.

He Provides.

I've sat down with the intent to write many times over the past week, but just haven't been able to muster up the emotional energy to get the words out. I feel like I have nothing positive to say, to be honest. I have no idea why God's brought us here...wandering around in the wilderness. I hate how quiet our house is, how monotonous our lives seem, how empty our hearts feel. I just don't get it.

Maybe someday this time in our lives will make some sense, but that time feels far, far away...and even if it does make sense and there finally appears to be some purpose to this, it's very little comfort right now. I'm just so frustrated.

This is going to sound funny, but sometimes I catch myself wondering whether or not God really understands what's going on in our lives. I feel deserted and alone. I know that He's here and that His love never changes, but getting those concepts from my head to my heart is challenging.

I guess for now I'll just hang on to what God has promised - that He is God...He gets it when I don't...His plans for me are good...nothing can separate me from the love of Christ...He is present in my pain...I am not alone.

"I cry out with no reply

And I can't feel you by my side

But I'll hold tight to what I know:

You're here, and I'm never alone."

- Barlowgirl (Never Alone)

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose...Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?...No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through Him who loved us. For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord."

Romans 8:28,35,37-39

"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for Me?"

Jeremiah 32:27

"Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are Mine. When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze...Do not be afraid, for I am with you."

Isaiah 43:1-2, 5

"Cast your cares on the Lord and He will sustain you; He will never let the righteous fall."

Psalm 55:22

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness."

2 Corinthians 12:9

Lord, may Your promises penetrate my mind and heart today. Amen.

"Cause I can see the light before I see the sunrise.." - Matt Maher (I'm Alive Again)

I’m sitting on the couch right now. The rain in coming down outside the window next to me. Fall is finally here, and it’s chilly.

Over the course of the day, I have found myself thinking numerous times, ‘God’s going to answer some prayers in an incredible way soon, I just know it,’ but it certainly doesn’t look that way from my vantage point. I feel like nothing’s going right.

But, an hour ago, I turned around from cooking over the stove and right into Shaun’s hug, and for a moment all of the warmth and comfort I could have imagined filled the kitchen. I had this strange, unfamiliar understanding that everything really is going to be alright. And, I remembered that God has given me an extremely precious gift in giving me my husband. I’ve been so lost in my pain and anxiety at times over the past four months, that I have often forgot how much I still have! And I’m finally getting to a place in this grieving process where I can look back and see more clearly, not just our tragedy, but our resiliency! Praise God!

Psalm 73

We’re seeking out what God wants for us right now in terms of jobs. Shaun has a couple of offers on the table, but no great options. Ugh. It's so frustrating.

All of this, to be honest (and I’m whispering now), makes me question whether or not God really has our best interest in mind. I said this to Shaun the other day, and he said, “Please don’t let yourself go there. It’s just destructive.” And there is some truth to that…if I stay there.

But is it possible to ‘go there’ without abandoning your faith? I believe so. I’ve heard and read over and over during the past 4 months that you have to go to the depths of your pain before true healing can take place. And, I think that questioning is a part of going down into that dark pit of pain so that you can climb back up onto solid ground with a unwavering faith and a new perspective on life.

I read Psalm 73 earlier this evening. In it, a man named Asaph grapples with the age-old question, “Why do bad things happen to good people?”

He recounts the pain through which he’s walked and says in verse 2, “My feet had almost slipped; I had almost lost my foothold.” In my words (and experience), “I started to go crazy, and almost threw in the towel on God.” I’ve so been there at times, questioning whether or not it’s even worth it to trust in Him.

Asaph looks around at all of these people who defiantly turn away from God and live however they wish, and they’ve got everything he’s missing…everything he has so achingly lost. He says, “They have no struggles,” in verse 4, and he’s so angry and bitter! Been there, too. “Of all the people in the world, why us, God?”

This is precisely the tone of the first 20 verses of Psalm 73.

But this is how Asaph ends the chapter (verses 21-28):

“When my heart was grieved and my spirit embittered, I was senseless and ignorant; I was a brute beast before you. Yet I am always with you; you hold me by my right hand. You guide me with your counsel, and afterward you will take me into glory. Whom have I in heaven but you? And earth has nothing I desire besides you. My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart and my portion forever. Those who are far from you will perish; you destroy all who are unfaithful to you. But as for me, it is good to be near God. I have made the Sovereign LORD my refuge; I will tell of all your deeds.”

Ah, Asaph makes it to the other side of the pit. Back on solid ground with a renewed, steadfast faith.

I wonder how much time there was between verse 20 and 21, though. And what did it take for Asaph to get past his bitterness, envy and anger?

I think I know the secret…actually, I’m confident that I know the secret…(I’m whispering again)…worship. Worship. Not in exuberant song, necessarily. Usually just in sitting humbly before God and giving Him the time and space to do His healing, revolutionary work. And choosing to honestly worship…through tough questions…through unstoppable tears…through down-right, angry thoughts and emotions. Just to bring it all before Him and wait patiently for God to walk with me up the muddy hill to the other side of the pit.

I’m thinking about maybe asking God if we could pick up the pace, though.

"Emotionally Healthy Spirituality"

I just started reading the book, "Emotionally Healthy Spirituality" be Peter Scazzero. At first, I'll be honest, I thought the title sounded a little bizarre, but it's a great book! I would recommend it without hesitation, and I'm only one chapter into it!

It's based on the idea that spiritual maturity cannot take place unless we're intentionally maturing emotionally as well. Scazzero says that, "spirituality divorced from emotional health...allows deep, underlying layers of our lives to remain untouched by God." That's why so many times in our relationship with God we feel stuck! We do stuff in an attempt to grow spiritually - read one Christian book after another, pray more, read Scripture more, give more, get involved more - and those things are good, but unless we're going to grow up emotionally and allow God to transform our whole person (which usually involves some down-to-the-nitty-gritty-hard-work), we're not really getting anywhere.

So interesting, and, I believe, very vital to the healing that God's doing in me these days.

Okay. Pick up the book this week (or order it on Amazon...it's cheaper!) and let me know what you think.

PS - Shaun has another job interview tomorrow morning...please pray! And we're so close to the finish line in the hiring process for my job, I can almost taste it! :-)