Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Thank you for all of your kind words and prayers today.

It's been a pretty normal day, really. I worked at the hospital this morning and had meetings at church in the afternoon.

It was a beautiful day today, so when I got home the three of us headed over to the cemetery. Just as we were turning in, I caught a whiff of Kaylee. Oh, mercy. It was an impressive blowout to say the least. We laid her down on the changing mat in the grass at the cemetery and then I discovered that I only had 3 wipes and no change of clothes for her in the diaper bag...oops. It was pretty funny. :-)

To be honest, today hurts just as much as any other day. There have been waves of sadness over the past week. Last night I laid Kaylee in her crib to go to sleep, and as I bent down to kiss her, I was suddenly flooded with heartache over all of the kisses I have missed giving Zachary. It just leaves me with a deep longing for heaven...to be together...to be home.

Happy 2nd birthday, baby boy! We love you and miss you SO, SO much.

Sunday, May 15, 2011

The past week has been really difficult emotionally.

I can almost picture that blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddler running around our house.

I can almost sense the chaos of our lives with two small children.

And, when I close my eyes, I can almost feel the hugs and kisses of a sweet, little, almost-2-year-old boy.

It's so strange to me that two years have gone by...two whole years since he's been gone. And, yet, the hurt is fresh right now, and, once again, it feels like just yesterday that I said goodbye to that precious little baby along with all of my dreams for his life on earth with us.

I don't know what you're supposed to do to mark a 2-year-olds birthday when he isn't here to celebrate with a party hat and a cupcake. I assume it will be another trip to the cemetery...this time with a little sister who will never get to know her brother this side of heaven.

I would covet your prayers this week as we contemplate how to honor Zachary's life as a family and walk through another challenging season.

"He is faithful in all He does." - Psalm 33:4b

Saturday, May 7, 2011

I wonder if the month of May will ever not be painful.

I wonder if Mother's Day will truly feel celebratory this side of heaven.

I wonder if that sick feeling in my stomach will ever go away when someone asks me if Kaylee is my oldest.

I wonder what life would be like if Kaylee really was my oldest.

I wonder how I'm going to appropriately share with Kaylee about her big brother.

I wonder what it will be like when our family is finally together and complete.