Saturday, May 30, 2009

Shaun and I spent a few days this week on the other side of the mountains, enjoying the sun. It was so good to get away! And we came home today with our mailbox literally stuffed full of cards and packages. I'm sure our mailman doesn't like us very much, but what an awesome blessing to come home to! Thank you!

The past few days have been full of highs and's a frustrating range of emotions. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and scream at God that it's not fair...that I don't get it...that this healing feels cruel. I look at my body in the mirror, and I get angry. It must be hard for all new moms to deal with a postpartum body, but when you have nothing to show for baby in your arms, it's maddening.

Last week I ran into Fred Meyer to pick something up, and this woman walking by me with her three beautiful children waddling behind her like little ducklings turned around and smacked her little girl out of anger. I wanted to throw up. And in my heartache, I said to God, 'I don't mean to question your judgment, but
really? You decided that she would make a better mom than I would? I wanted my baby! I wanted the chance to be a parent! And I don't understand why you took that opportunity from me...why you took my little boy from me!' I didn't even get what I needed in the store, and I barely made it out to the car before the tears started to fall...again.

And while there are times when I feel weak and like the darkness is just going to cave in on me, there are also moments of unspeakable peace. Moments when I beg God for mercy, and I receive it in abundance! Moments when He speaks so clearly through His Word, that I honestly don't know what to do with myself...I just have to share it with someone immediately. Moments when the love of others almost overwhelms me. And I would never choose this road for us, but I'm thankful. Shaun and I are different people than we were two weeks ago, and this brokeness has cemented our marriage in ways that nothing else ever could. I can honestly say that I was more proud to be Shaun's wife on May 17th than I was even standing at the alter with him on our wedding day! And we can look ahead to the future with hope. We believe with all our hearts that Zachary was just the beginning of a healthy, beautiful family!

Please keep praying for us as we adjust to a new normal. Pray that God gives us the grace to daily remember our son without our hearts breaking so easily. Thank you.

Monday, May 25, 2009

One Week...

It's been a week since we came home from the's hard to believe! Most of the time I feel like we're just stumbling through a valley. The grief comes in waves, usually when we least expect it. So many times our hearts feel heavy and our arms feel so, very empty. But, at the same time, we have known TRUE far from that trusts in God's purposes, even when it hurts, and is full of anticipation for what's to come.

Yesterday we had a small service with family and close friends at the cemetery to remember our baby boy and celebrate his life. It was a strong reminder that this world is not home...the best is yet to come!!

Below is a letter that I wrote to Zachary just a week ago before we left the hospital, and it was read yesterday at his service:

Zachary Michael –

I’m so proud to be your mommy!

Yesterday was the hardest day of my life, but you were so perfect!...

...Zachary, I want you to know how important your life was – you mattered in this world, and I believe with all my heart that we cannot even begin to imagine the purposes that God had in mind when He so masterfully created you. What a privilege to be your parents!

Your name means, “the Lord remembers,” and we always will, too. Until I get to hold you again and place my hand against your chest and feel your heartbeat, know that we love you more than we thought was humanly possible. We’re proud of you, son. Thank you for the incredible blessing you are and will continue to be in our lives. I can’t wait to hold you and sing to you one day!

Love Forever and Ever,

Your Mommy

I can't wait to kneel before the throne of God one day with my son by my side and worship for all of eternity! I cant even wrap my mind around it!! But at the same time, I have confidence that God has so many good things for us here, and He wants to use Zachary's short life to accomplish great purposes...He already is!

Please continue to pray for us!
And thank you for the incredible picture you've painted for us of how the Body of Christ was intended to function - your love and prayers continue to carry us!

Monday, May 18, 2009

Zachary Michael

Saturday evening we went into the hospital because I noticed that I hadn't felt the baby moving in the afternoon.  Our midwife just thought it would be best to put me on monitors for 20 minutes or so, more for our peace of mind than anything else.  However, when we got to the hospital, the nurses and midwife were unable to find a heartbeat, and 2 ultrasounds confirmed that our baby's heart was no longer beating.  Obviously devastated, we opted to be admitted and induced right away on Saturday night.  My labor was easy...they kept me really comfortable, and I only had to push for 30 minutes before our beautiful, perfect baby boy was born.  

Zachary Michael weighed a whopping 8 pounds, 14.3 ounces and was 22 1/2 inches long, and was just awesome mix of his mom and dad! Our time with him, surrounded by family and close friends was sweet...we will treasure it for the rest of our lives.  Nobody knows for sure what went wrong - the only unusual thing was an abnormally long umbilical cord that had been coiled around itself multiple times, and was probably the culprit, cutting off the baby's supply of oxygen sometime on Saturday afternoon.  It's just one of those things...and while we are truly devastated, we feel so blessed to have been chosen by God to be Zachary's parents, even for such a short time.  

The name Zachary means "God remembers," and He does...He knows exactly where we're at, and He'll walk us through this somehow with the promise that we will one day hold our son again in heaven!  Until then, he's being cradled in the arms of our Savior...and those arms are so much stronger and safer than the ones that we could offer him.  And we're hanging in there...we really are. Right now it's one hour at a time, and soon it will be one day at a time, then one week, etc. 

We covet your prayers, and at the same time, say 'thank you' for all the time so many of you have spent before the throne of God on our behalf. It is because of your pleading that we have felt the Lord's tremendous peace over and over.

Right now we're not quite ready for visitors or phone calls...we feel your love through your prayers and cards and truly appreciate your support in that way!