Isaiah 61:3

"[I will] comfort all who mourn, and provide for those who grieve...to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of gladness instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the Lord for the display of His splendor." - Isaiah 61:3

Thankful Rocks #4, #5 and #6

#4. Family – I know I’ve said it so many times, but we love our families and we’re so thankful for them.

#5. Friends – talk about a support network! We are blessed, and we praise God for the encouragement of our friends.

#6. Zachary – our firstborn son.

My Baby Boy,

How can it be that four months have gone by without you? Four months since I smelled your newborn baby smell? Four months since I cradled you in my arms…examined your hands and feet…kissed your nose…sang to you? I’d love to say that time has healed my heart significantly, and maybe it has, but I miss you so, so much. At times I am utterly overwhelmed by the fact that I have to live the rest of my life on earth without you.

Lately I have been mourning the fact that I won’t get to know who you are…what you like and dislike and everything that makes you you. But I know that all of that stuff is really just about me. You’re perfectly content, safe in the arms of God. You will never know pain or hunger or sadness. You went from perfect safety inside me to heaven! How my heart longs so intensely to be with you, though.

You have given me such a gift, Zachary – I now have no fear in death. I know God has more for me to do here, but I can’t wait to be with you in heaven! Your life has eliminated any apprehension about dying and what’s to come after life on earth is over. You have made me truly realize that this is not as good as it gets, and that heaven really is home.

I love you, my sweet, sweet baby.

Until We Meet Again, Your Mom

Investing...

I wrote this like 6 weeks ago, but I couldn't post it until today. Such an exciting adventure coming our way!

I was in such a slump this week. I just wanted to be home by myself, and I hate feeling like that. I wasn’t a hermit, though. I picked up extra hours at work, got some major cleaning done at home, worked out, watched my sisters play volleyball, and had friends over to hang out this weekend. I’ve just never had to be so intentional about staying motivated and being emotionally open.

I found my feelings to be especially odd this week because God answered a major prayer…I was finally okayed for a position as a part-time worship leader at our church, and I’m truly humbled to have such an awesome opportunity to obey God doing something that I love. We’re launching a campus extension of our church in just a few weeks, and it’s thrilling to be part of an undertaking that’s so big, that I know it will totally flop if God’s not driving our efforts. Pretty awesome.

I have always felt very strongly that, if God blesses us with an ability, we have a responsibility to invest it fully in a way that pleases Him…not for our own recognition, but solely for the purpose of honoring God and pointing others in His direction. Investing…it reminds me of the parable that Jesus told about the talents. Talents were the currency that was used at that time. Here’s the passage:

“For it is just like a man about to go on a journey who called his own slaves and entrusted his possessions to them. To one he gave five talents, to another, two, and to another, one, each according to his own ability; and he went on his journey. Immediately, the one who had received the five talents went and traded with them, and gained five more talents. In the same manner the one who had received the two talents gained two more. But he who received the one talent went away, and dug a hole in the grounds and hid his master’s money.” (Matthew 25:15-18)

I can just picture the third guy with a shovel in his hands, digging that dumb hole…afraid he might lose the money…afraid that investing that money might require a little too much of his time, effort, etc. The rest of the parable goes on to say that, when the master came back to see what each slave had done with what they had been given, the first two were commended for investing. The third slave came to the master, shoulders slumped, staring at the ground, and said (this is all my paraphrase), “I got scared, so I buried my talent in the ground, but at least you can have back the little that you gave me.” The master doesn’t like that answer, calls the man lazy, and takes his talent away from him. Verse 29 says, “For to everyone who has, more shall be given, and he will have an abundance; but from the one who does not have, even what he does have shall be taken away.”

Investing. What a huge responsibility it is…and what a privilege. I’m so, so thankful for this ‘talent’ that God’s given to me in this new adventure at church. I feel very unworthy to participate in God’s work in this way.

But are the ‘talents’ that Jesus refers to in His parable only the good things that we’re given by God? Just skills, abilities, gifts?

What if the ‘talents’ God gives us are not so great…a disability, a shameful past, the loss of a baby… If those are also ‘talents’ that God asks that we invest, then I’d be lying if I said that the shovel didn’t sound appealing at times. I’d rather bury my hurt…keep it to myself…lock it up and try to forget.

But I know, that when I stand before God after this life is over, and He looks me straight in the eye and asks me what I did with what He has given me, I want Him to be proud. Proud of my honesty, proud of the conversations that have come out of our loss, proud of my dependence on Him when I don’t know what to do with my brokenness. Pleased with the way that I’ve tried with all my might to praise Him through this pain. This ‘talent’ is much more challenging to invest than the good ‘talents’. But I’ll keep thanking God for each opportunity He gives me. After all, life is short…the good stuff will be over before we know it, and the bad stuff is so, very temporary.

My chest literally aches to be with Zachary today.

It's such a strange feeling, and I don't know why it hurts today more than usual. It's one of those days when I know that everything is going to be okay, but what I'd really like is good. And, to be honest, the hole in my heart makes me wonder how life can ever be good again. I just miss my baby boy so much.

I've got all sorts of things I could and should be doing right now. We have friends coming over for dinner and nothing is ready, but I can't get myself to move. I want to curl up in a ball and pretend that this never happened, and that I don't actually have to live the rest of my life without my Zachary. I want it all to be a really bad dream. I want to wake up without that hole in my heart. And I am struggling with the fact that it's not possible.

I guess I should probably get off the couch, though. It will still hurt whether or not I'm cleaning the bathroom.

Oh, Lord - give me energy. Give me purpose. Just drench me in Your love right now. Let the encouragement of Your Spirit be a healing balm to my crushed heart in this moment.

Other Times He Calms His Child

Well, Shaun's phone finally rang yesterday. The marketing job he had interviewed for still looks very promising, but the position will not be open for another six months. I am blessed to have a husband who meticulously takes care of our finances, so we're okay for now. Just in limbo.

I will get the final word on my job possibility on Tuesday. I have to be honest...I'm getting so exhausted living in limbo.

We know that God will provide, though. He has not left us stranded or let us down once. He is faithful. I can't say it enough...He is always faithful.

I've had the lyrics to a song that my mom used to play on a good ol' cassette in the minivan when I was younger running through my mind all week. Here's the chorus:

"Sometimes He calms the storm

With a whispered, 'Peace be still'

He can settle any sea

But it doesn't mean He will

Sometimes He holds us close

And lets the wind and waves go wild

Sometimes He calms the storm

And other times He calms His child"

-Scott Krippayne

So, while it seems at times like the storm rages on, we know God's got it all under control. As much as I hate this limbo-thing, both Shaun and I have an awesome, unspeakable peace. "Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child." Thank you, Lord.

Still Waiting...

No definite answers yet.

Still waiting.

Still praying.

But praying for God's best, not just a quick fix, as my friend Heidi wisely reminded me today.

Patience has never been one of my strong points, though.

Waiting...

I’m sitting on the porch swing right now, keeping an eye on the chicken on the grill, and waiting for Shaun to get home from painting.

But we’re both waiting for the phone to ring. It’s agonizing. Shaun is waiting for a phone call about a job possibility…a possibility that would end the burden of the financial pressure we feel. I’m also waiting to hear about a job…one that would allow me to fulfill my passion.

I know God’s got it all under control, but I just desperately want something to go right tonight. Please pray for us…for peace, for direction, for the desire to wake up again tomorrow morning with purpose no matter what the answers are.