I'm excited...I'm going with incredible, loving, fun friends who have walked with me through the intensity of the past year and are sensitive to where I'm at.
I'm also nervous. I try to avoid large groups, and especially large groups of women because they typically just talk about their kids. I can't blame them...it's exactly what I would do if my kiddo was here. I just hate sitting there, feeling that fake, plastered smile creep across my face and pretend that hearing them talk about their one-year-old doesn't make my heart ache for mine.
Yesterday, one of my dear friends and mentors left me a message...a reminder to not worry so much about doing the hard work of growing, learning, etc., but just to be this weekend. To let myself feel...to let myself grieve...to be open to the Lord...and let those awkward, plaster-smile conversations hurt. It's okay. It's not intentional, and it makes sense that my heart aches. God knows.
I'm trusting that God will continue to soften my heart as I am honest before Him.