For the past week I have struggled with fear and anxiety. Like I've mentioned before, these feelings have only plagued me for the past eight months, and I hate it. I don't feel like myself, and I find it odd because, really, things are going okay. We're hanging in there financially, successfully working through stuff in our marriage, when grief floods me, it's a little less 'punch-you-in-the-gut', and I've truly never been more fulfilled or happy in my work. Nevertheless, I feel extremely anxious, and trying to suffocate these feelings isn't going to get me anywhere...so my conversation with God went a little something like this today:
Me: "God, my mind is spinning and if I started to list off the reasons why I'm anxious, we'd be here all afternoon."
Me: "I could really use some help getting to the bottom of these feelings. And I could also use some peace right now, too."
Me: "Okay, fine. I'll go open my Bible to Isaiah again...it seems to be the book of choice lately."
So, Isaiah 41 has been the chapter of the day. It's interesting...since I was probably 12 years old, I've had the same Bible engraved in silver letters with my maiden name (except now it says "Courtn_y Marie Ra__in" because some of the letters have worn off), and whenever God has shown me a powerful verse in a crucial time in my life, I've written down the date in the margin. In the margin next to Isaiah 41 are quite a few dates listed...the week I started high school, the week my uncle died, the day I started working at Children's Hospital, etc. Here's what God promises in Isaiah 41:9-10, 18:
"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts and said to you, 'You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you.' Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you...I will open rivers on the bare heights and springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water and the dry land fountains of water." (NASB)
I'm hanging on to that tonight. And, reading those words and seeing those dates in the margin reminds me of God's faithfulness. My heart is at peace.