The whirlwind in my mind has slowed down a bit today.
I went from working two days a week to six days a week overnight with starting the job at church and picking up extra days at the clinic. I’m thankful…I love what I’m doing, and the hours are essential as we feel the financial squeeze of life…but I’m tired.
It’s ironic: The empty, quiet space that I so despised a month ago seems like it might not be so bad right now. And, the past few weeks of seemingly endless hours at work have convinced me that those “boring” and difficult days and weeks at home after Zachary died were extremely important. Right now, I feel agitated and hazy. Life is easily blown out of perspective when I’m tired and don’t have that quiet time to think through my feelings. I’m recognizing that I need to carve out time to be alone and quiet in order to function well.
But, today has been just that. It was my one day this week that I had no commitments or work. I caught up on sleep and had quiet time this morning. Then I met an old friend for coffee, which was really wonderful. We got caught up, and she asked questions about how I’m really doing these days. Thanks, Bethany!
And then I headed out to the cemetery with my mom. I hadn’t been there in a few months, and my mom had never seen the engraved stone where Zachary was buried. It might sound funny, but I like to be at the cemetery…as difficult as it is, there’s just a reality and finality to our loss when I’m there. I feel detached a lot of the time. Sometimes I can even look at a picture of my adorable boy, and it feels like it’s just a picture of a baby, not my child.
But, today it feels real. Today I can be quiet. Today I can think.