Today is a simple act of obedience. Moving...doing what I know God's called me to do and trusting that joy will follow because right now all I feel is brokenness and the weight of our loss. I feel inadequate. I feel like a failure. I perceive a crushing absence of God's blessing.
But tonight...in about four hours...I'm going to sing. I'm going to worship the Creator and Sustainer of life with everything I've got in a room full of people who are there to do the same. Even thought I don't feel like it. Even though I'd rather lie down in the pit for a while longer. Even though it feels like I don't have a ton to be thankful for tonight at our "Thanksgiving Eve" service. I don't have the answers I want. My heart aches. All I want to do is sit at the dining table tomorrow with my son and a sense of peace.
But I know that God is God. And I know that Satan wants me to stay in the pit...I know he'd be throwing a party if I didn't stand on that stage and worship tonight. So I will dig deep for all the courage I've got and choose be obedient and trust God to meet me there.
"Hear, O Lord, and answer me, for I am poor and needy. Guard my life, for I am devoted to You...Have mercy on me, O Lord, for I call to You all day long. Bring joy to Your servant, for to You, O Lord, I lift up my soul...Teach me Your way, O Lord, and I will walk in Your truth; give me an undivided heart, that I may fear Your name. I will praise You, O Lord my God, with all my heart; I will glorify Your name forever. For great is Your love toward me; You have delivered me from the depths of the grave...Give me a sign of Your goodness."