Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Get Out of That Pit

I've been struggling, seriously struggling with some big questions lately. Theological concepts…I can barely grasp the questions, so the answers have seemed far beyond my reach.

-God, why did You do this? I know You saw everything that happened the day Zachary died…I know You never turned Your head…I know, without a doubt that You had the power to stop it from happening, so why didn’t You?

-God, I’m tired and weary. I’ve tried to be faithful to You. I’ve handed my pain to You and allowed You to use it to teach me, to grow me, and to benefit others. But I feel stranded in this pit. Why have You left me here?

-Lord, I’m seriously starting to questions whether or not You’re listening when I pray. I keep coming to You, but I’m not really seeing any answers. Actually, I’m not even sure what to pray. I feel kind of like a pawn in Your game of chess. I’ve realized that You’re going to do what You purpose to do…I’m not going to change that. In praying, am I really going to move the hand of the Almighty God? Or am I wasting my breath?

So, last night, I sat down on the couch with an adult beverage (shhh!) and Beth Moore’s book, “Get Out of That Pit.” Kind of ironic, huh? Just the picture in my mind makes me chuckle. :-)

I didn’t really think I’d get that much out of it…I was feeling pretty low, but I figured some quiet reading wouldn’t hurt.

You see, the scab that’s formed over my deep wound has been ripped off on a very regular basis over the past six months. When I step back and look at life, I can see measurable growth and healing, but, honestly, this hurts! Still. And it’s hard to trust that God really is healing me because of that pain. I’ve tried to cover my own wound…unsuccessfully. Actually my bandaids really stink.

But, as I read chapter one, and then into chapter two, it was as if God graciously covered that open wound with a piece of gauze and some Neosporin. He made me just comfortable enough to get my attention, and I started to give Him the space to heal me again. I took off my crummy, self-made bandaids.

And, as angry as I am, as much as I feel like God has turned a deaf ear to me some days, and for every time I wonder what life would be like if Zachary was here and I didn’t have to walk through this, I know that, as Beth Moore says, “I’m a neater person healed than I would have been just plain well.”

Oh, that’s hard to swallow.

As backwards as if sounds, God is using this gaping hole in my heart make me more complete. And, as I keep choosing to stand up and take hold of the hand that reaches down into the pit to pull me out, God is making me whole.

“Life is hard. Most of us have reasons to lie down on life and never get up…Most of us can rationalize staying angry, bitter, or fearful and insecure for the rest of our lives. Most of us can talk others into not blaming us for being in our pit. We think we want people to lie down next to us, feel what we feel, and give us permission to stay there. But, if they do, they help talk us into making ourselves at home in the early grave Satan dug for us. They agree to our living death.

Christ got down next to us in the grave, stayed the better part of three days, and then got up…so we’d have permission to get up too. And start living life…

…If God allowed you to be thrown into a pit, you weren’t picked on; you were picked out. God entrusted that suffering to you because He has faith in you. Live up to it. All the way up.” (Beth Moore, Get Out of That Pit)

Okay, Lord. I’m getting up…please pull me out once again. I’ll be patient…I’ll choose to trust You. I’ll grapple with those questions in faith that You are good and You hear my cries for deliverance. My bandaids are off. Please heal me and make me whole.

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