Monday, June 1, 2009

My heart is so broken tonight. I would give anything just to snuggle my baby boy against my chest one more time, even for a second...to touch his soft cheek, feel his tiny fingers wrapped around mine, kiss his forehead. The ache is almost nauseating. I try to close my eyes and remember what it was like to hold his little body in my arms, but it feels so distant already. I have never known heartache like this...I didn't realize it was possible to hurt this intensely.

And yet I know that I have to walk through this excruciating pain...there's no way around it or over it...just through. Oh, that God would give me just a glimpse of His purpose in all of this! The longing in my heart for my child is almost unbearable! I feel so incomplete, so robbed, so beat down.

These lyrics have been playing over and over in my mind for the past few days, and they're a bittersweet comfort right now.


Homesick
Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now.





"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."
Psalm 27:13-14

5 comments:

  1. My eyes fill with tears and my heartbreaks as I read this - I wish I could give you some answers - tell you why this happened but I can't only God can. We have been praying for you since we found out you were pregnant- every night Payton and I prayed and we still do. Cling to your faith - God is always there for you, lean on him.The Mercy me song is beautiful and so true there are no goodbyes, You will see your beautiful boy again someday and for now he is in a better place. Thank you for being so honest and sharing with us. Cheryl

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  2. Dearest Courtney:

    Your former PA here:) I long for the day that you and Shaun will be with your precious Zachary again. I am praying that God will bring you more and more comfort, peace, and joy.

    You are a beautiful woman!

    Laura [Trudeau] Menocal

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  3. Oh, Court...once again there are no words. I am so sorry for your pain! It still feels hollow to say those things, and yet I have no other words to offer. You are in my prayers daily, and I will continue to pray for peace and comfort.

    With tears and hugs,

    Jennifer Kassebaum

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  4. I love you, Sis. I'm praying for you.

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  5. Courtney, we are praying for you guys daily! My heart is breaking for you and I wish I could take just an ounce of your pain. Love you, call me if you need to chat!

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