Three weeks ago my biggest dilemma was how my son would spell the shortened version of his name when he went to kindergarten...would it be Zac, Zack, Zach? It feels like so long ago. I often catch myself these days wondering if my baby boy would be a good sleeper...how he would respond to the sound of my voice...which size clothes would fit him best...what it would feel like to rock him and sing to him at night...

I miss him SO MUCH! I wake up every morning and have to realize so brutally once again that he's not here...that he'll never be here again. It's still so raw.

And life has gone on for everyone. The cards in the mail have slowed down, Shaun's schedule has picked up, and the house is so, very quiet. But in that deafening silence, God's doing a work in me. I still would not choose this journey, to be honest, but I'm more dependent on the Lord and His strength than I've ever been. I have a genuine compassion for others like I've never had, a stronger marriage, a closer family. And throughout my whole life I've had to work on letting the big stuff be big stuff and the little stuff remain insignificant...it doesn't take a whole lot of work anymore...the little inconveniences of life are just that.

And I've started to accept that I don't get to pick and choose what I walk through in life. In Scripture, Job says at the beginning of all of his trials, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (2:10b). Who am I to receive all of God's gifts, but then resent Him for the opportunities He brings into my life to teach me, even if it's painful? Before we had even left the hospital after Zachary was born, my dad said to me that if I blame God for the loss of my son, then I can't give Him the credit for all of the blessings in my life and everything good that is going to come out of our story. He's right. So, not to sound sadistic, but if this incredible hurt points others in the direction of Christ, then bring it on!!! Lord, cover me in Your mercy, but please use this pain for Your glory!!!

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

(Bring the Rain, Mercy Me)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in my, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139:23