Friday, June 5, 2009

Three weeks ago my biggest dilemma was how my son would spell the shortened version of his name when he went to kindergarten...would it be Zac, Zack, Zach? It feels like so long ago. I often catch myself these days wondering if my baby boy would be a good he would respond to the sound of my voice...which size clothes would fit him best...what it would feel like to rock him and sing to him at night...

I miss him SO MUCH! I wake up every morning and have to realize so brutally once again that he's not here...that he'll never be here again. It's still so raw.

And life has gone on for everyone. The cards in the mail have slowed down, Shaun's schedule has picked up, and the house is so, very quiet. But in that deafening silence, God's doing a work in me. I still would not choose this journey, to be honest, but I'm more dependent on the Lord and His strength than I've ever been. I have a genuine compassion for others like I've never had, a stronger marriage, a closer family. And throughout my whole life I've had to work on letting the big stuff be big stuff and the little stuff remain doesn't take a whole lot of work anymore...the little inconveniences of life are just that.

And I've started to accept that I don't get to pick and choose what I walk through in life. In Scripture, Job says at the beginning of all of his trials, "Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?" (2:10b). Who am I to receive all of God's gifts, but then resent Him for the opportunities He brings into my life to teach me,
even if it's painful? Before we had even left the hospital after Zachary was born, my dad said to me that if I blame God for the loss of my son, then I can't give Him the credit for all of the blessings in my life and everything good that is going to come out of our story. He's right. So, not to sound sadistic, but if this incredible hurt points others in the direction of Christ, then bring it on!!! Lord, cover me in Your mercy, but please use this pain for Your glory!!!

Bring me joy, bring me peace
Bring the chance to be free
Bring me anything that brings You glory
And I know there'll be days
When this life brings me pain
But if that's what it takes to praise You
Jesus, bring the rain

(Bring the Rain, Mercy Me)

"Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in my, and lead me in the way everlasting."

Psalm 139:23


  1. Courtney-
    Thank you for the updates. You and Shaun are constantly in my prayers. I cannot even fathom what you must be feeling but you blogging is giving us the abilty to take a peak at your world now. Life is tough but God is Good, you are such a Godly example of how to Glorify Christ even during you're struggles.
    Praying for you,
    Jeremy and Cassie Idler

  2. I have never heard such gut wrenching, beautiful expression than I have heard here as you've expressed, I'm sure a small portion of your heart. Courtney, my beautiful sister, my heart breaks and my eyes cry for you and Shaun. I love you, I'm so sorry and I'm praying for you- crying out to Jesus for you. Thank you from the depths of me for sharing yourself.
    Suz (Heath) Berryessa

  3. Beautifully said.. I love you!

  4. Love you girl!! We keep praying and we are here for you!!!

  5. We are STILL thinking about you guys and praying for you both daily. I am sure you have received a plethora of resources, but my sister in law just passed this one on to me to give to you guys... There are some local support groups down south by you guys if you ever need it...though it seems like you have amazing friends and family that are holding you guys up right now too. You are not alone in this trial (in fact since Zachary went to be the Lord, I have heard of two other mamas losing their babes at 41 weeks too -- same situation practically). I guess it's not as uncommon as I thought.

    Oooohh, I ache for you to snuggle your sweet boy on your chest too and to sing to him at night. I am sure the answers are no where near clear right now...and there's a chance we may never know why WE were chosen to have to face certain things in life. That's the toughest part. But God didn't promise us answers, he promised us that He would walk right next to us when we faced our life's darkest moments and pick us up when we needed it. You are in my daily thoughts Courtney (from one mama to another!)