Saturday, May 30, 2009

Shaun and I spent a few days this week on the other side of the mountains, enjoying the sun. It was so good to get away! And we came home today with our mailbox literally stuffed full of cards and packages. I'm sure our mailman doesn't like us very much, but what an awesome blessing to come home to! Thank you!

The past few days have been full of highs and's a frustrating range of emotions. Sometimes I just want to throw my hands in the air and scream at God that it's not fair...that I don't get it...that this healing feels cruel. I look at my body in the mirror, and I get angry. It must be hard for all new moms to deal with a postpartum body, but when you have nothing to show for baby in your arms, it's maddening.

Last week I ran into Fred Meyer to pick something up, and this woman walking by me with her three beautiful children waddling behind her like little ducklings turned around and smacked her little girl out of anger. I wanted to throw up. And in my heartache, I said to God, 'I don't mean to question your judgment, but
really? You decided that she would make a better mom than I would? I wanted my baby! I wanted the chance to be a parent! And I don't understand why you took that opportunity from me...why you took my little boy from me!' I didn't even get what I needed in the store, and I barely made it out to the car before the tears started to fall...again.

And while there are times when I feel weak and like the darkness is just going to cave in on me, there are also moments of unspeakable peace. Moments when I beg God for mercy, and I receive it in abundance! Moments when He speaks so clearly through His Word, that I honestly don't know what to do with myself...I just have to share it with someone immediately. Moments when the love of others almost overwhelms me. And I would never choose this road for us, but I'm thankful. Shaun and I are different people than we were two weeks ago, and this brokeness has cemented our marriage in ways that nothing else ever could. I can honestly say that I was more proud to be Shaun's wife on May 17th than I was even standing at the alter with him on our wedding day! And we can look ahead to the future with hope. We believe with all our hearts that Zachary was just the beginning of a healthy, beautiful family!

Please keep praying for us as we adjust to a new normal. Pray that God gives us the grace to daily remember our son without our hearts breaking so easily. Thank you.


  1. Wow! We always seem to randomly check your blog right after you post something Courtney! Though Kyle and I wept again for you both after reading this, we see a silver lining of hope in your words. YES! We claim victory over your family that you will have a beautiful, healthy family in the near future -- it will SOON be YOU with your ducklings waddling behind in the grocery store. What a beautiful picture. We really appreciate hearing your honesty in where you guys are at (the anger, confusion, frustration, dissappointment)...these are REAL emotions that are healthy to experience of course. It also allows us to pray more specifically for you guys...we will pray for a delayed onset of tears and heartbreak as you think of your sweet babe and a strength that comes only from the Lord! We will continue on fighting and interceding for you guys through prayer. Bless you both.

  2. Wow. This is exactly my husband and I. We lost our three week old son this past January. Everything you said in this post, I can relate to almost as if we are exactly the same person. It is really encouraging to read this. God Bless You