My heart is so broken tonight. I would give anything just to snuggle my baby boy against my chest one more time, even for a second...to touch his soft cheek, feel his tiny fingers wrapped around mine, kiss his forehead. The ache is almost nauseating. I try to close my eyes and remember what it was like to hold his little body in my arms, but it feels so distant already. I have never known heartache like this...I didn't realize it was possible to hurt this intensely.

And yet I know that I have to walk through this excruciating pain...there's no way around it or over it...just through. Oh, that God would give me just a glimpse of His purpose in all of this! The longing in my heart for my child is almost unbearable! I feel so incomplete, so robbed, so beat down.

These lyrics have been playing over and over in my mind for the past few days, and they're a bittersweet comfort right now.

Homesick
Mercy Me

You're in a better place, I've heard a thousand times
And at least a thousand times I've rejoiced for you
But the reason why I'm broken, the reason why I cry
Is how long must I wait to be with you

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

Help me Lord cause I don't understand your ways
The reason why I wonder if I'll ever know
But, even if you showed me, the hurt would be the same
Cause I'm still here so far away from home

I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
I've never been more homesick than now

In Christ, there are no goodbye
And in Christ, there is no end
So I'll hold onto Jesus with all that I have
To see you again
To see you again

And I close my eyes and I see your face
If home's where my heart is then I'm out of place
Lord, won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow
Won't you give me strength to make it through somehow

I've never been more homesick than now.

"I am still confident of this: I will see the goodness of the Lord in the land of the living. Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Psalm 27:13-14