Yesterday Shaun and I went to the cemetery to remember our little man one month after we had to say good-bye to him. I can't believe it's been an entire month. It feels like just yesterday that I learned that the diapers Shaun had so carefully stacked in the dresser drawer would never be worn by my son, yet like a lifetime ago that I had the privilege of experiencing Zachary's life. We didn't stay at the cemetery for long, but it was a good time to reflect on the past month. We just leaned against the railing side-by-side, arms around each other, quietly staring at the words engraved into the stone.

Zachary Michael De Yager
May 17, 2009 Ps. 116

At some point, I broke the silence and said, "What a great name!" Shaun grinned at me, and then, out of the blue, a wave of sorrow swept over me. "I was supposed to be spelling that name out on birth announcements, not a gravestone," I cried. The tears flowed down my face as I thought about the injustice of our situation. Why does a 16-year-old girl who makes one wrong choice after another give birth to a perfectly healthy baby while we were forced to leave the hospital empty-handed on May 17th? What did we do to deserve this? Why us? These were not new thoughts or questions...just all-too-familiar pain and anger resurfacing.

But it wasn't more than 10 seconds later that I felt the conviction of the Holy Spirit stirring the deepest part of my soul, and for the first time, I contemplated this question: 'Why not me?'. I know that sounds kind of fatalistic, and I am not, so let me explain. I know that losing Zachary was in no way something Shaun and I "deserved." No parents should ever have to walk through the fire that we're walking through. No mom should ever have to deliver a baby that isn't breathing and hold the lifeless, but perfect body of the child she has carried and dreamed of holding for 9 months. No, no one deserves to walk this road, no matter what they have or haven't done.

But I don't deserve the grace I've been given, either! I'm a messed-up 22-year-old woman living in a fallen, broken world. I deserve nothing good from God, and He still loves me immeasurably - even to the point of giving His son as a ransom for my heart! There is NOTHING about His grace that any of us deserve!

And I desperately want to live in that grace every day. I want to be overcome with hope. I want to trust God to fill the void in my heart, because only He can. And not only is He able to satisfy the emptiness and longing in my heart, He wants to! And He is more than enough.

This pain and agony are not something that Shaun and I will ever "recover" from. We will never "get over" Zachary's death and the death of our dreams of being his parents. That's not how it goes. I want to accept this pain and let it become a part of who I am, and I want it to change me. The past month has been the darkest season of my life to this point, but I have also been blessed with an awesome clarity as I reside in the pit of this grief. I'm learning more and more everyday that it's not the "what if's," it's the "what now's"...that it's not about me...that life on this earth is fleeting...that this world is not home...that God is with me, even when I don't feel like it...that He is good no matter what. And, most importantly, that the grace of God really is more than enough.


"I remember my affliction and my wandering, the bitterness and the gall. I well remember them, and my soul is downcast within me. Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope: Because of the Lord's great love we are not consumed, for His compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is Your faithfulness. I say to myself, 'The Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.' The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him, to the one who seeks Him...Though He brings grief, He will show compassion, so great is His unfailing love."

Lamentations 3:19-25, 32