I stink with directions. I get lost driving to places I've been a thousand times. I know almost no street names, few landmarks, and I'm pretty sure a GPS couldn't even help.

The same is true in my spiritual life. I have a terrible sense of direction on my own...much like the Israelites.

In Exodus, the Israelites, after leaving bondage in Egypt, start making their way to a land God has promised them. The journey is...well...terrible. They trek through the wilderness...the desert... for decades (yes, decades), but God is with them. He makes it abundantly obvious to the Israelites that He is more than capable to provide for them...that He is worthy of their trust. God performs miracle after miracle, and still the Israelites disobey, believing that their way is better...easier...more efficient. Sound familiar?

Now, I've begged God to lead me out of my personal 'wilderness' (which is nothing compared to the wilderness that the Israelites wandered around in, by the way). And, time and time again He has said, 'Wait. I'm with you, I will lead you, and I have more to teach you here.'

So, today I'm reading in Exodus 33, where the Israelites have disobeyed God once again and Moses is asking God for His presence and guidance as they continue on their tumultuous journey...and I come across this verse (15): Moses says to God, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here."

In other words, 'God, if You're not going to go with us, let us stay here, wandering around in the wilderness because our Deliverer is of far greater value to us than the deliverance'

What?! My heart started pounding faster as I thought of the implications of this verse...

How many of us can say that - 'God, Your presence is better than escaping the personal wilderness I find myself in'?

I'm just grappling with this this morning. Do I love God because of Who He is or because of what He can do for me? Is the Deliverer of greater value to me than the deliverance? Am I so anxious to get out of the desert that I'm missing an opportunity to know God better and fall more in love with Him?

I hate even admitting that these questions are circulating my mind today, but it's true.

In the depths of my heart I want to know the Comforter more than the comfort...the Healer more than the healing...the Provider more than the provision. But I get so anxious in the wilderness that I look for the fastest, easiest way out sometimes...I try to take matters into my own hands only to find that I really do stink with directions!

Patience. Obedience. Submission. Relationship. That's what God is asking of my once again today. I wish I weren't so stubborn...so prideful. Lord, please keep teaching me.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

"...to Him who led His people through the desert,
His love endures forever." Psalm 136:16

How to share the exciting news that you're expecting with a friend who has just lost her baby 101:

Oh, I'm not expecting...I'm writing this from the other side - the recipient of that news over and over and over and over. :-) Great news? Absolutely. Difficult to hear after your baby has died? Absolutely. I've been blessed with considerate people around me, so the only reason I'm writing this is because I have many friends who are struggling with life after pregnancy loss or infertility without such considerate friends...one of whom was wading through the muck of it just last night after hearing the exciting announcement from two more of her close friends who are pregnant.

So, if you've just taken a pregnancy test and it's positive, and you're thrilled to share the news with your friends and family (which you totally should be), take a moment to think about those mamas in your life who might have a hard time expressing their excitement at the news because of personal life circumstances.

First, try to give your grieving friend a quiet heads-up. It was really helpful to me after Zachary died if my friends told me privately, through email or in conversation that they were pregnant. Now, that doesn't mean that as soon as your grieving friend has a moment alone she won't burst into tears, but it stings a little less than a grand announcement in a meeting or at church or in front of a large group of friends.

Second, don't be offended if your grieving friend doesn't jump up and down and offer to go to Babies'R'Us with you tomorrow. Is the response selfish and fueled by jealously? I'm sure it is, in part, but the root of the response is grief. And, even though we really are happy for you and it is great news, it still really hurts to hear. It brings up a whole new dimension of our loss in a way.

And, lastly, after you announce to your friend that you're pregnant, try (really hard) to think of topics of discussion besides your pregnancy. Your world now is the developing life inside you. Our world is still attempting to navigate through life without our baby. So, it's really helpful to have a conversation with a friend who is pregnant about...oh...the weather, marriage, cell biology, anything, really.

While this post has been specifically about being sensitive to those who have lost a baby, I've been challenged to look at other areas of life in which I could be more considerate, too. I've caught myself many times in the past month or so complaining about my husband in front of a friend who would love to share life with a spouse...grumbling about my job or finances in front of someone who is unemployed and worse off than we are...the list could go on and on. So, I'm trying harder to think before I speak and truly "rejoice with those who rejoice" and "mourn with those who mourn." (Rom. 12:15)

I keep coming back to Isaiah 42 this week, and God continues to challenge me to put my faith in His promises and His power to redeem. I experience incredible freedom when I surrender myself to Him, and I am filled with hope as I watch God use Zachary's story to impact lives.

Isaiah 42:5-7,9 say:

"This is what God the Lord says -

He Who created the heavens and stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it,

who gives breath to its people,

and life to those who walk on it:

'I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;

I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you

to be a covenant for the people

and a light for the Gentiles,

to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness...

See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."

I just finished cleaning up the kitchen after having the team I get to lead worship with every Sunday at the Kent Campus over for a potluck. We discussed what's going well and what could be better, what the vision for our team in 2010 should be, etc., but the general consensus - we care a lot about each other and love to do ministry together every week...even at 7am when we arrive to set up a high school to run a church service...quite a task!

I can't begin to describe what an incredible community of growth and healing God has provided in this team of people. Just one more way that His grace is sufficient as I continue to learn how to live without Zachary.

Oh, and by the way, I can't believe this is a job! :-)

"Through trials, God bids us to choose:

Do we believe, or do we not?

Will we be bold enough to love,

daring enough to serve,

humble enough to submit,

and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations?

Can we surrender our concern

in things that don't matter

so that we might devote our remaining days

to things that do?"

- Tony Snow

As our last church service ended this morning, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walk up to the platform where I was sitting at the piano. I glanced to my right, and it took me a second to figure out who he was. But, as soon as I placed him in my mind, a huge smile crept across my face. "Ken!" I said as I jumped down from the stage.

Last March, a young woman at our church - a wife and a mom and an all-around incredible follower of Christ - was diagnosed with cancer, and after a brief battle, she went home to be with the Lord. I didn't know Christina well, but towards the end of her life, she asked that me and my friend Heidi sing at her memorial service. And that service was awesome! Not at all because I had a part in it...I could barely choke out lyrics with that lump in my throat as I watched the faces of her husband and young son. It was awesome because this woman lived to the hilt! The way in which Christina lived her last weeks of life was no different than how she lived every day before she was diagnosed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time, and I remember leaving that service amazed by how she lived, but also so distraught for her husband and son. I wondered how people even functioned after leaving a memorial service for someone they loved.

In June, just weeks after planning a memorial service for my son, guess who came to mind? Christina. So, I got out a notecard and a pen, and I wrote a simple note to Ken, Christina's husband. I told him how impressed I was by his beautiful wife. I told him that he was a great dad. And I told him that we have so much to look forward to because we both have incredible treasures awaiting us in heaven.

I prayed for Ken often, but I never heard from him after that...

Until today.

After giving me a big hug, he told me that he appreciated my card...so much so that he's opened it and re-read it many times in the past six months.

And my brief interaction with Ken brought to mind all the people who have gone out of their way since our son died to let us know that they care...that they remember our heartache...that they miss Zachary, too. I have re-read many of the heartfelt cards that people have sent us.

I didn't send that card to Ken so that I would receive a "thank-you" or an accolade. But his response was a good reminder to me that when someone you know is hurting, do something about it. Pray for them and look for practical ways to be helpful. Offer to bring them a meal or groceries. And remember that saying something, even if it's that you don't know what to say, is better than saying nothing at all. I know there's at least one person coming to your mind right now, so go grab a notecard and a pen and get a card in the mail tomorrow.

New.

I love that word.

I loved celebrating the New Year this week…I really feel like it’s an accomplishment for some reason. Maybe I’m just ready for 2009 to be over and 2010 to begin.

It was so funny…I was sitting in my living room on New Year’s Eve with great friends watching the fireworks go off of the top of the Space Needle, and I just wanted to jump up and down! Partly because I LOVE fireworks, but mostly because I felt a fresh hope creep up inside of me for what’s to come this year. I’m praying and trusting the Lord for big things – in our marriage, in our employment, in our family, in our ministry. But, most of all, I know that God’s making me new to better reflect Who He is.

As I let go and surrender to His work, not only do I feel greater peace day to day, I can also trust Him for our future. Good or bad, I’m not alone and His purposes for me are greater than I can comprehend.

And, as we move into a new year, I keep finding little ways to avoid leaving Zachary behind. Sometimes those things seem like a miserable substitute for having him here, but it’s nice to incorporate the memory of our son into our lives…at least until we see him again.

May you be blessed with a newness of life as we begin this year, trusting the Lord for whatever it holds.