Tuesday, October 20, 2009

Things that bother me these days

-The fact that I dusted the changing table and crib and rocking chair in Zachary’s room today because they’ve never been used.

-Being the only woman in a room without a baby or a baby belly and feeling obligated to make conversation. It makes me sad, jealous, uncomfortable.

-The ache in my chest that never seems to leave. And the fear that still grips me on a very regular basis.

-Large crowds.

-Wondering if I'll ever be able to hold a child of my own again.

Things I love these days

-People who say Zachary’s name when talking with me instead of ‘your baby,’ or worse, ‘the baby.’ I don't think I can describe how important and healing it is to hear his name spoken aloud in conversation.

-Those who have given me a book on grief or pregnancy loss after reading it themselves, even if they haven’t personally experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. It's such an incredible gesture of love.

-The number of people who remind me that they didn’t forgot about us or our sweet baby, especially around the 17th of each passing month. Every "17th" hurts as though the nightmare is happening all over again. To receive a call or text or note or hug is so helpful.

-When someone asks to see a picture of Zachary. This is one of my favorite things in the world!

-When someone is willing to be vulnerable and cry with me, or share their story of loss.

-When someone tells me that Zachary's life has challenged them to question their belief in God or pursue their already-existing relationship with God or loosen their grip on the things of this world or be a better friend, spouse, or parent to their living children.

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