Things that bother me these days –

-The fact that I dusted the changing table and crib and rocking chair in Zachary’s room today because they’ve never been used.

-Being the only woman in a room without a baby or a baby belly and feeling obligated to make conversation. It makes me sad, jealous, uncomfortable.

-The ache in my chest that never seems to leave. And the fear that still grips me on a very regular basis.

-Large crowds.

-Wondering if I'll ever be able to hold a child of my own again.

Things I love these days –

-People who say Zachary’s name when talking with me instead of ‘your baby,’ or worse, ‘the baby.’ I don't think I can describe how important and healing it is to hear his name spoken aloud in conversation.

-Those who have given me a book on grief or pregnancy loss after reading it themselves, even if they haven’t personally experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth. It's such an incredible gesture of love.

-The number of people who remind me that they didn’t forgot about us or our sweet baby, especially around the 17^th of each passing month. Every "17th" hurts as though the nightmare is happening all over again. To receive a call or text or note or hug is so helpful.

-When someone asks to see a picture of Zachary. This is one of my favorite things in the world!

-When someone is willing to be vulnerable and cry with me, or share their story of loss.

-When someone tells me that Zachary's life has challenged them to question their belief in God or pursue their already-existing relationship with God or loosen their grip on the things of this world or be a better friend, spouse, or parent to their living children.