I have been going through such a confusing range of emotions over the past week.

But, I've been so humbled by the outpouring of love from friends. From the innumerable people who have stopped to let me know that they're thinking of me this month to gifts of books and flowers and cards. My heart is so thankful to know that our hurt, and more importantly, my son, is not forgotten. Thank you, once again, for loving us with so much thought and consideration.

While my heart aches today, I feel so blessed.

This past weekend Shaun and I went to a marriage conference.

Now, we've been to the same marriage conference twice before. The first time, we were engaged, so it was really a waste of time...simply because we had this preconceived notion that we were crazy about each other, therefore we would never have conflict in our marriage. Right. The second time we went, we had been married for just over a year, and we argued the whole time...reality check.

But, this past weekend, we just had a ton of fun. We talked about some things we could both do better in our marriage, but for the most part, we just reflected on the limitless provision of God over this past year. It was an excellent reminder that the trials we've walked through have proved that our home is built on a solid foundation.

And I think my husband is so, so cool.

Part of me wishes I could just fast-forward through the quickly-approaching month of May. Between Mother's Day and Zachary's first birthday, I am emotionally exhausted just thinking about it. But, there's no fast-forward button and I know that I must walk through it.

Besides, the sun is out, spring is here and life is made new once again.

11 Months

Sweet Boy -

I've missed you so much lately.

I sat at the cemetery earlier this week, and my heart ached to be with you, Zachary. My heart will long to be with you every day I walk this earth. I fell in love with you when you were safe inside of me, and that love has only intensified since you've been gone. You are my baby...my son.

I will love you forever -

Mom

Missing my boy like crazy today.

Easter is tomorrow. How did that happen so fast?

As the room where we meet for church fills with people tomorrow morning and we celebrate the life of Christ, the term 'resurrection' has a much greater meaning to me than it ever has.

God gave His Son on my behalf, the most selfless act of love. He knows the sorrow of a grave. He watched the murder and burial of His own child.

But God took the cross - a symbol of a cruel, torturous death - and, through His power, made it the most glorious symbol of life. Because God raised His Son from the dead, we too can have the hope of resurrection and life made whole.

I read this earlier this week, and it has run through my thoughts all week long. Below is an excerpt from Max Lucado's book, Facing Your Giants:

'God has the last word on death. And, if you listen, He will tell you the truth about your loved ones. They've been dismissed from the hospital called Earth. You and I still roan the halls, smell the medicines, and eat green beans and Jell-O off plastic trays. They, meanwhile, enjoy picnics, inhale springtime, and run through knee-high flowers. You miss them like crazy, but can you deny the truth? They have no pain, doubt or struggle...They know the joy of resurrection.'

Heaven. I will never be able to wrap my mind around it until I'm there. And, while I grieve the fact that I don't get to dress my little boy in an Easter outfit tomorrow morning, I know that what Zachary is experiencing is so much better. Easter morning in heaven...that's got to be awesome!

Isaiah 53:4-5 says that Christ, 'took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows' all the way to the cross...and 'by His wounds we are healed.' Hallelujah!

Tuesday night we pulled into the driveway a little after 11pm. While I was exhausted, I sat in the passenger’s seat with an incredible sense of awe.

On Tuesday night I held a newborn for the first time since I held my own son.

It’s something I have utterly dreaded since last May. I’ve skipped countless baby showers, refused to extend my arms to hold an infant, avoided conversations, and, sadly enough, even avoided friends. I have cocooned myself against the world in a sense because, to my weakened heart, the world has been harsh. And, in my little cocoon, I had built up so much anxiety that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to hold an infant again.

But I did. And it was wonderful. In the comfort of a home where I've spend countless hours and with people who love us tremendously, I held baby Noelle.

No tears. Just love.

Thanks, Paul and Julie, for sharing your precious gift with me.