Thursday, April 1, 2010

Tuesday night we pulled into the driveway a little after 11pm. While I was exhausted, I sat in the passenger’s seat with an incredible sense of awe.

On Tuesday night I held a newborn for the first time since I held my own son.

It’s something I have utterly dreaded since last May. I’ve skipped countless baby showers, refused to extend my arms to hold an infant, avoided conversations, and, sadly enough, even avoided friends. I have cocooned myself against the world in a sense because, to my weakened heart, the world has been harsh. And, in my little cocoon, I had built up so much anxiety that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to hold an infant again.

But I did. And it was wonderful. In the comfort of a home where I've spend countless hours and with people who love us tremendously, I held baby Noelle.

No tears. Just love.

Thanks, Paul and Julie, for sharing your precious gift with me.


  1. This post brought tears to our eyes. We are printing it to put in Noelle's baby book.

  2. Amazing. What a HUGE leap of faith to reach out and take hold of sweet baby Noelle! This totally touched our hearts Courtney. And please know that it's 100% all right to take a step back from friends, showers, conversations, etc as you need to. We totally, completely support you in that.