Friday, December 4, 2009

The morning we left the hospital without Zachary, I made a decision. I could either run…away from the pain…away from the reality and finality of our loss. Or, I could turn directly into the darkness behind me and grieve. Just the word “grief” makes my heart sink and twists my stomach in a knot, but I knew that that darkness would follow me every day until I faced it. So, I chose to stare directly into that darkness and walk into it with the full knowledge that it would be the most pitch-black, can’t-see-two-feet-in-front-of-you darkness I would have ever faced.

But in that darkness, disoriented and blind, God met me. It was nothing extravagant. No light beaming down from heaven to illuminate the way ahead of me. Oh, how I wish!

He just whispered…

He gently whispered, “Hey, I’ve missed you.”

God has been present with me in the darkness. Even if I haven’t been okay with being here, He’s been okay with me…more than okay. Prior to Zachary’s death, I hadn’t walked away or ignored Him. I wasn’t living in sin, or anything close to it. But, I can’t honestly say God had my full attention or affection either.

I’m beginning to believe that one of the reasons that God allows us to go through hardships is simply for the togetherness of it. I think God misses us sometimes. But we’re not in the darkness due to God’s selfishness. It’s for our benefit. I know, often times it seems just the opposite. Heaven knows it’s been a kicking-and-screaming battle for me most days. But here we are, God and I…together…more together than we’ve ever been.

Loss has been brutal, but God is gentle with me.

I have a vivid picture in my mind of a toe-headed blonde, ten-year-old girl crying in my dad’s arms, his hand softly brushing my hair out of my tear-drenched eyes after falling on all fours while playing outside in the cul-de-sac. It didn’t matter how loud or long I sobbed…I was safe. I was loved. There was nowhere in the world I would have rather cried it out until my knees and my hands stopped stinging.

Unfortunately, my dad can’t take care of this one. I know he would do anything to make this pain go away and bring back my son, his grandson. But this time it’s a bit more than skinned-up knees. This injury requires the arms of the God of the universe….talk about safe!

If you’re hurting today, confused and bewildered by the darkness you find yourself in, trust that in the darkness, there is purpose. Trust that God has missed you, and rest in His strong embrace as He gently calms and heals you. God has promised that one day He will wipe every tear from the eyes of those who know and believe in Him, but in the meantime, He’s with are safe…you are loved.


  1. This verse has been a good one for our family. Habakkuk 3:19 "The Sovereign Lord is my strength; he makes my feet like the feet of a deer, he enables me to go on the heights." We pray for feet for the path you are on and that he will enable you to go on through the struggles ----to the heights. We are praying for encouragement for each day. Our love and prayers, Sharon

  2. Hey Courtney. Thinking of you tonight. I am sure you get lots of people referring you to certain websites and such for support, but I wanted to pass something along to you. My best friend sent me the link to this blog two years ago when I was pregnant with Hayden. Her name is Angie Smith. Her husband is the lead singer for Selah (I believe that's the band). Anyways, she started a blog during her pregnancy when she found out her daughter inutero had heart defects and wasn't going to make it. She decided to carry the baby as far as possible and delivered her around 7 months pregnant, the baby lived for just an hour. Long story short...I visit this blog often. Her perspective on pregnancy, pregnancy loss, etc. reminds me so much of your experience and your process of working through Zachary's death. Her faith in the Lord has challenged me so much in my own walk with the Lord. AND her blog just got published into a book. The front cover photo of the book is of Audrey the day she was born in the hospital. Anyways, enough rambling -- the link is: