For weeks…months…I have been trying to live in the naïve innocence I used to enjoy…a false idea that bad things only happened to other people…that all women deliver healthy babies at 9 months…that for some reason, I was exempt. I have been finding myself so frustrated by the tension of what I know is reality…that I am in no way exempt from the tragedies of life…and that longing for life to be how it was.
But this week has been a bit of a gentle shove from the Lord. It’s as if He’s saying, “Your life is different now, so live differently.”
And this week I have finally had the energy and emotional wherewithal to invest…really invest in others. I’ve had multiple opportunities to use my loss to help those struggling through this thing called grief, some of whom are just a few steps behind me on this journey, and some of whom I will never even meet.
Right now I have the privilege through a friend who works as an RN at the hospital where we delivered to help strengthen those things that were done with excellence and improve those things that could make the process for a grieving mother just a little bit more bearable.
God gave me this awesome word picture of my tears watering the desert ground for those walking just a few steps behind me in their loss.
You can only experience joy to the depth to which you experience pain. And if you choose to try to stifle the pain in life, you will find yourself trapped in a very small, limited cage of emotion. Sure, you can avoid your pain to a certain extent, but it limits your joy…life becomes so mundane.
I have a friend who says, “You can grieve good and you can grieve bad.” I know that I have “grieved good” because that joy…that joy that used to characterize my life before loss…that joy that I’ve so missed…is finally starting to bubble up in my heart on an ongoing basis once again. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bad moments…and days, but what a breath of fresh air!
My goal this week is to think of something small to honor Zachary this Christmas…something that would be meaningful to Shaun and I…
PS – Thanks for praying us through another “17th”.
PPS – Spring is coming!