I can’t believe that fall is almost here! I love September! It has always been my favorite month. I love the warm colors of the leaves before they fall…the cool, but sunny mornings…the BBQ’s with friends. I love cheering from the bleachers at my sisters’ volleyball games. I enjoy getting cozy in our home and settling down for a sort of ‘falling-asleep’ for a few months, because I know that not so far off is a magnificent ‘waking-up’ in the spring. What is gone by November will be made new again in May– hope springs fresh! I think I enjoy September so much each year because of that mounting anticipation…the pervasive concept that there’s so much to look forward to!
I know that God is slowly re-awakening my heart. The fog is beginning to lift. I’ve been pleading for God’s strength and working really hard lately to get off the hamster wheel of emotion that my feet have felt tied to for the past three and a half months. It’s okay that I’m sad…what has happened is extremely sad…this is supposed to break my heart. But I’m finally making some headway getting rid of the feelings of guilt and failure that have plagued my mind. Intellectually, I know that Zachary’s death was in no way my fault, but when I am at my weakest, usually in the middle of the night, Satan whispers, ‘You could have done something…you should have known better…you’re half a woman…you’re just a waste of space now.’ Even typing those words makes me feel physically ill because I know that they are despicable lies.
I hate Satan. I hate the destruction and devastation with which he tries to consume life. I hate that he’s just licking his chops every time I give room in my mind for those lies to circulate, every time that our loss causes division between Shaun and I instead of binding us tighter together, every time I let bitterness take root in my heart. And I really hate that the devil ramps up his act when he knows that God is hard at work and ruling victorious in our lives. I’ve never been so aware of the very real spiritual battle that rages over each of our souls, and I praise God that He is more powerful! I look forward to the day when the battle is over…when death will wave it’s white flag...when Satan’s lies will be silenced once and for all. But until then, I will fight, knowing that God is my victory…He has called me, not a contender, but a conqueror…and made available to me the same power that raised Christ from the dead!
“Finally, be strong in the Lord and in His mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms. Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand. Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.”
Phew. I can breathe a sigh of relief. My soul belongs to the King of Kings. And He is making me new… the anticipation is building …the excitement for spring is just bubbling up in the depths of my soul. And as it does, I will enjoy the changing leaves, a slower routine of life, and time with people I love.
Please pray for protection over my mind…that I would not give Satan a foothold in my thoughts. Thank you.