My ribs on the right side were bruised from your not-so-little feet. If I wanted to roll over in bed, I had to wake your dad up to help me. I waddled everywhere I went. And I couldn't wait until you arrived...you were already late, after all.
The carseat was strapped in to the back seat of the car. Our bags were packed in the trunk. Your room was as ready as it could be since we didn't yet know whether you were a boy or a girl. The list of people to call/text/invite to the hospital was compiled. All we had to do was wait.
If I had known that the wait to know you would be the length of my lifetime on this earth, I probably wouldn't have been so antsy. If I had known you would be born into the hands of the almighty God, I probably wouldn't have worried about getting a manicure that weekend. And if I had know that we would celebrate your first birthday at a cemetery rather than taking home video of you eating your cake, I don't know if I would have survived that weekend.
I miss you so much, baby boy. I know you're having a great time, but my heart aches for you. It feels like we said goodbye just yesterday.
Zachary, as we celebrate your birthday without you, please know that I love you so much. Please know that you have opened my heart in a way I didn't know possible. Please know that your room is still full of your pictures and your diapers. I just can't seem to get myself to put it all away. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. I will never forget you...I can't. I bear the scars on my tummy from carrying you and a gaping hole in my heart.