Saturday, May 15, 2010

One year ago I was waiting for you...eager, exhausted.

My ribs on the right side were bruised from your not-so-little feet. If I wanted to roll over in bed, I had to wake your dad up to help me. I waddled everywhere I went. And I couldn't wait until you were already late, after all.

The carseat was strapped in to the back seat of the car. Our bags were packed in the trunk. Your room was as ready as it could be since we didn't yet know whether you were a boy or a girl. The list of people to call/text/invite to the hospital was compiled. All we had to do was wait.

If I had known that the wait to know you would be the length of my lifetime on this earth, I probably wouldn't have been so antsy. If I had known you would be born into the hands of the almighty God, I probably wouldn't have worried about getting a manicure that weekend. And if I had know that we would celebrate your first birthday at a cemetery rather than taking home video of you eating your cake, I don't know if I would have survived that weekend.

I miss you so much, baby boy. I know you're having a great time, but my heart aches for you. It feels like we said goodbye just yesterday.

Zachary, as we celebrate your birthday without you, please know that I love you so much. Please know that you have opened my heart in a way I didn't know possible. Please know that your room is still full of your pictures and your diapers. I just can't seem to get myself to put it all away. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. I will never forget you...I can't. I bear the scars on my tummy from carrying you and a gaping hole in my heart.


  1. blessings on your, dearest, as you go through this first anniversary. know you are loved.

  2. we miss you Zachary. We miss buying you new clothes and toys for your birthday and watching you figure out cake for the first time. We miss you learning to walk and learning to through a basketball. we miss seeing your momma get to hold you and your daddy carry you on his shoulders. i'm sorry you are not hear but know we are remembering you and we will keep remembering you with you momma and daddy till we get to meet you one day.

  3. Courtney and Shaun,

    Know that my heart feels your pain, your hurt, the ache of your heart and your arms. There is such a physical ache to hold your sweet boy, just one more time, it hurts! I understand sweet Courtney. My heart, my prayers, and my tears are with you two as you walk through these difficult days. Thank you for sharing your journey - God is at work in and through you! He is able!

    My love to you both,

  4. Hugs and prayers for this incredibly tough time.

  5. Thanks for sharing. I wish I could give you a big hug. We are praying for you and Shaun. Ps.34 is one of my favorite Psalms. Vs. 18 says "The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit. Vs. 8b Blessed is the man who takes refuge in him."
    We love you guys. Kevin and Sharon