Tuesday, May 18, 2010

I had an honestly wonderful day yesterday. It felt a little surreal, and at times like I was in the twilight zone. But, as with many "milestone days," the anticipation was much harder than the actual day itself.

On Sunday afternoon we went to the cemetery with our families and close friends and spent some time remembering and praying together and then had a great dinner at my parents' house.

And then yesterday came and I had no idea what to do...it felt like a normal Monday for the most part, so here's what I did: spent some time with a dear friend in the morning and got my hair cut and colored....ran some errands...did some laundry...sat outside in the sun...and went out to a fabulous dinner with Shaun.

I cried once - when I went to open my front door to let some sunshine in and couldn't because our front porch was literally covered in flowers. Oh, and again when I read through the numerous cards that filled our mailbox. Well, and one more time when I watched a video of my 2-year-old nephew sending blue balloons to his baby cousin. Okay. So, I cried a bit. But that disgusting ache didn't hang over me like a dark cloud all day. Sure, I missed my boy. But I miss him every day. And I know that we had an army of people praying for us and missing him with us. I went to bed last night just feeling incredibly blessed and loved...and relieved, I guess. I have made it through the hardest year of my life so far...and I'm okay. I had the lyrics of a song that I sang Sunday at church going through my mind all day:

"When my world is shaking
Heaven stands
And when my heart is breaking
I never leave Your hands."
-JJ Heller, Your Hands

Thank you for continuing to love us and pray for us. Thank you for reminding me regularly that you think about our boy, and that because of him, your life is different. It means more than you will ever know.

Praise God that through every season of life He is the same and He is good! We never leave His hands.


  1. Hi Courtney,

    I think I cry every time I read your blog. You are so strong. I am so impressed with how well you've dealt with this incredible heartbreak and turned to God through it all. I would like to think I could do the same, but I'm not so sure. Your experience has changed my outlook on life completely. Anytime I feel overwhelmed or stressed out, I think of you and thank God for blessing me with two healthy children. I am so thankful for each day I have with them now. Thank you for inspiring me to be a better mom and woman. I pray for you often.

    Rachel Collier

  2. Courtney,
    I was given the link to your blog from one of my best friends, Marissa (who I believe you know from her short stint in Seattle). I lost my first child, a little girl, about 3 weeks ago when I was 26 weeks pregnant. Thank you for sharing your story--your words are very inspiring. Love and prayers to you and your family. -Kristin