Zachary Michael

2011-05-17T21:29:00.002-07:00

Thank you for all of your kind words and prayers today.

It's been a pretty normal day, really. I worked at the hospital this morning and had meetings at church in the afternoon.

It was a beautiful day today, so when I got home the three of us headed over to the cemetery. Just as we were turning in, I caught a whiff of Kaylee. Oh, mercy. It was an impressive blowout to say the least. We laid her down on the changing mat in the grass at the cemetery and then I discovered that I only had 3 wipes and no change of clothes for her in the diaper bag...oops. It was pretty funny. :-)

To be honest, today hurts just as much as any other day. There have been waves of sadness over the past week. Last night I laid Kaylee in her crib to go to sleep, and as I bent down to kiss her, I was suddenly flooded with heartache over all of the kisses I have missed giving Zachary. It just leaves me with a deep longing for heaven...to be together...to be home.

Happy 2nd birthday, baby boy! We love you and miss you SO, SO much.

2011-05-15T14:48:00.001-07:00

The past week has been really difficult emotionally.

I can almost picture that blonde-haired, blue-eyed toddler running around our house.

I can almost sense the chaos of our lives with two small children.

And, when I close my eyes, I can almost feel the hugs and kisses of a sweet, little, almost-2-year-old boy.

It's so strange to me that two years have gone by...two whole years since he's been gone. And, yet, the hurt is fresh right now, and, once again, it feels like just yesterday that I said goodbye to that precious little baby along with all of my dreams for his life on earth with us.

I don't know what you're supposed to do to mark a 2-year-olds birthday when he isn't here to celebrate with a party hat and a cupcake. I assume it will be another trip to the cemetery...this time with a little sister who will never get to know her brother this side of heaven.

I would covet your prayers this week as we contemplate how to honor Zachary's life as a family and walk through another challenging season.

"He is faithful in all He does." - Psalm 33:4b

2011-05-07T17:38:00.000-07:00

I wonder if the month of May will ever not be painful.

I wonder if Mother's Day will truly feel celebratory this side of heaven.

I wonder if that sick feeling in my stomach will ever go away when someone asks me if Kaylee is my oldest.

I wonder what life would be like if Kaylee really was my oldest.

I wonder how I'm going to appropriately share with Kaylee about her big brother.

I wonder what it will be like when our family is finally together and complete.

2011-04-23T10:58:00.000-07:00

"Light is always costly and comes at the expense of that which produces it. An unlit candle does not shine, for burning must come before the light. And we can be of little use to others without a cost to ourselves. Burning suggests suffering, and we try to avoid pain...

When we are set aside to suffer...we feel we are no longer of any use and are accomplishing nothing.

Yet if we will be patient and submissive, it is almost certain we will be a greater blessing to the world around us during our time of suffering and pain than we were when we thought we were doing our greatest work. Then we are burning, and shining brightly as a result of the fire.

Many people want the glory without the cross, and the shining light without the burning fire, but crucifixion comes before coronation."

- L.B. Cowman, Streams in the Desert

1 Peter 1:3-9

2011-03-28T17:50:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about the way that God pursues us with such a relentless love. I'm amazed that God would care so much about us that He would draw us to Himself. I am the recipient of such incredible mercy.

One of the stories that has given me a fresh perspective lately is the story of King David and a disabled man named Mephibosheth in 2 Samuel 9.

At the time, David is grieving the loss of his best friend, Jonathan, one day, when he is prompted by the Lord to seek out any of Jonathan’s living relatives with the intent to bless them.

David asks one of his servants and learns that, yes, Jonathan has one relative who is still living. It's one of Jonathan's sons, and his name is Mephibosheth.

Mephibosheth was crippled after being dropped as a young child. His name means “despised one” or "shame." And, after the death of his father, Jonathan, Mephibosheth is living in a place called Lo Debar. Lo Debar was the most disgusting of slums. The name “Lo Debar” literally means “no pasture.” It was a filthy, barren, and impoverished.

When I was in Haiti last year, I remember driving several times past an area called Cite Soleil, meaning "city of the sun." Sounds kind of tropical...it was anything but. This city is built on top of the dump...literally tons of garbage piled up with shacks built on top. The poorest of the poor live there. There is no running water, no sewer system, crime is rampant, and the people who live there can't even afford the most basic necessities of life. It is Haiti's most notorious slum.

This is what I picture when I think about Lo Debar.

And here, in Lo Debar, with the rejected of society, Mephibosheth resides – with nothing to his name, no family, unable to even care for himself.

David sends for Mephibosheth and when this crippled man stands before the king, he says, “What is your servant, that you should notice a dead dog like me?”

David goes on to tell Mephibosheth that he will be given all the land that belonged to Saul’s family. Not only that, but David gives him workers to farm the land.

And then David tells Mephibosheth that he will have a place at the kings table to feast every day for the rest of his life, just like a son of the king.

From Lo Debar to the king’s palace.

How much greater is the mercy we have received from the Father! From our Lo Debar – utter need and depravity, spiritual blindness and eternity separated from God - to living in freedom and feasting at the table of the King.

2011-03-22T17:42:00.000-07:00

I haven't sat down to write in quite some time, so I should probably take advantage of a quiet moment and catch up a bit. This will probably be random...

Life is....good. I'm learning everyday, but sometimes I feel like I'm doing so many things and none of them to the best of my ability. I'm a wife, a mommy, a homemaker, and I work two part-time jobs. Most of those labels are not optional. Mouths must be fed, laundry must be done, and at this time in our lives, I need to bring in some income. I just don't want to miss out on the incredible blessings of each day with Shaun and Kaylee. This weekend our pastor was teaching on what it means to be a godly woman, and one of the things he said is, "Your home needs to be your headquarters." That's what I want more than anything, so I'm just learning to re-focus and structure my life in a way that that is true. And, more than anything, I want what God wants for my life. I tacked up a piece of paper in my office at church yesterday that says, "Live Faithfully, Live Intentionally, Live Missionally, Live Expectantly." That is my heart's desire as I walk in faith and follow the Lord's leading.

Last week I went to SPU where I did my nursing education to share with the OB class our story of losing Zachary at the invitation of one of my former professors. Everything in me wanted to decline...it just seemed a little bit to difficult to relive that pain, and I hate...and I mean hate...talking in front of groups. But, God reminded me very clearly that it's really HIS story to tell, and that He can share it in whatever way He wants to. My job is to steward our testimony well and make the most of every opportunity to proclaim His faithfulness. And, it went so well. I really feel like the Lord directed my thoughts. I actually had an awesome sense of peace knowing that all I had to do was say yes, and God took it from there.

What else has gone on in the past several weeks...

Well, over a month ago now we had the privilege of dedicating Kaylee with our church family. What a day! While I grieved that her big brother was not on the stage with us, it was really such a special opportunity to commit ourselves as parents to raise her to know and love Jesus.

And, just in the past couple of weeks Kaylee has discovered her feet (and has quite the affection for them), laughed for the first time, rolled over, copied us making kissy faces at her, reached out to grab toys, and more. At times I just wish I could push the pause button...I can't even believe that four months have gone by. I just want to soak in every day with my sweet family.

2011-03-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

I'm sitting on the couch in our living room right now. I just folded a mountain of laundry. Kaylee's sleeping peacefully in her crib with her hands above her head. The dishwasher just finished its last cycle. Dinner's almost ready.

And I am overwhelmed with the goodness that God has poured out in my life...to the point of tears.

Psalm 30:5b - "...weeping may stay for the night, but rejoicing comes in the morning."

Sometimes I simply can't believe that this is the sound that fills our home:

2011-02-09T23:39:00.000-08:00

"Those who sow with tears will reap with songs of joy." Psalm 126:5

2011-02-05T11:17:00.001-08:00

We have been battling fear for the past week. From Shaun waking up five times a night just to make sure that Kaylee is still breathing, to me imagining up every worst case scenario for her cold symptoms, I know Satan is just loving watching us suffer within anxiety's grip. It is a minute-by-minute battle to trust the Lord and place Kaylee's life in His sovereign hands once again.

Trust.

You'd think I would have it down by now.

It frustrates me that I don't.

I'm so thankful that God is patient with me. I've been learning lately that when we're following Him by faith, He usually only illuminates the path a few steps in front of us. Just enough to know where to take the next step. Kind of like a flashlight, not a floodlight. And, really, I don't think we would want to be able to see everything that lies ahead of us. One step at a time is okay.

"Those who know Your name trust in You,

for You, Lord, have never forsaken

those who seek You."

- Psalm 9:10

2011-02-02T13:41:00.000-08:00

In the past couple of weeks I have received some of the most deeply meaningful gifts of my life. It has been truly humbling.

The first gift was given to me by an awesome girl named Sarah. Her sweet baby boy, Holden, was stillborn last August. In his honor, Sarah and her husband started a foundation called Holden Uganda with the goal of funding nine wells in areas of Uganda without access to clean water. They started with a goal of nine wells because they enjoyed nine wonderful months of life with Holden while Sarah carried him. Sarah shared with me a couple of weeks ago that she had been touched by our testimony of Zachary’s life and death, and then she asked if she could name well #9 in honor of our son. I read and re-read her email several times. I was just so humbled that Zachary’s impact would extend beyond his life with us here to help those in need in an entirely different part of the world! Thank you, Sarah, for choosing to allow the Lord to use Holden’s life to display His glory. And, thank you for honoring our son’s short life in such an amazing way.

Just a few days after that, I received a package in the mail from another dear friend whose daughter, Emily, was stillborn just a couple of months after Zachary died. Tristen, Emily's mom, had submitted Zachary’s name to an organization called “To Write Their Names In The Sand” (namesinthesand.blogspot.com). It was started by a couple whose child was stillborn in 2008. As names of children who have died are submitted, this couple writes their names in the sand on the beach and takes a picture at sunset. The pictures are incredible! And, Zachary’s name "just happened" to be written in the sand and captured in a beautiful photo on November 27^th, the same day that Kaylee was born. I couldn’t believe it when I saw the date that the picture was taken!

Also included in the package from Tristen was an adorable pink and white outfit. She explained to me in her card that the outfit was the only thing she had purchased for Emily before she was born. She said that as soon as she found out that we were expecting a girl, she knew she wanted to give that outfit to me for Kaylee to wear. Thank you, Tristen, for entrusting me with such a special and important gift. That outfit has been hanging on the side of Kaylee’s crib as a reminder that life is a precious gift.

In the past couple of weeks I have been reminded very poignantly that God is faithful…that we will never fully understand the innumerable ways that God wants to bring beauty from the ashes in our lives…that He wants to continue to use Zachary’s short life to accomplish great things. I feel so blessed.

2011-01-14T13:02:00.000-08:00

One of the greatest joys of the past seven (yikes, seven!) weeks has been to watch Shaun love Kaylee. I know that it fulfills a deep longing in his heart to be a dad..a hole that had been left painfully empty after Zachary died...and he is awesome. Really awesome.

Kaylee is a really easy baby (I guess I don't know what a difficult baby is, but she seems easy...), but after 10pm she doesn't do quite as well. She's a bit of a terror, actually. But, Shaun discovered before we had even left the hospital that if he held Kaylee up close to his face when she was upset and whispered right in her ear that she would calm down. The same is true if he walks around and sings to her (only hymns for some reason, though...she starts screaming again if we try to sing a chorus...I've discovered how limited repertoire of hymns is!).

There have been many nights as I have watched Shaun walk circles around the living room while whispering to Kaylee or singing over her that I have thought to myself, 'Do I recognize the sound of my heavenly Father's voice like that? Is my life quiet enough to hear His whisper? And do I trust the love and comfort of a Father who delights in me enough to sing over me?'

I love Zephaniah 3:17 (ESV):

"The Lord your God is in your midst, a Mighty One who will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness; He will quiet you by His love; He will exult over you with loud singing."

I feel so blessed that my daughter has a daddy who loves her so, so much. But I feel even more blessed that we have a heavenly Father who, not only holds our lives in His strong hands, but loves us enough to hold us close and whisper words of comfort and peace when we need it.

2011-01-06T12:37:00.000-08:00

I read this verse this morning:

"I lie down and sleep; I wake again, because the Lord sustains me." Psalm 3:5

As I walk through this year, I want to live with a complete dependence on my Sustainer. I want the truth that I am nothing without Him, and that everything belongs to Him to be in the forefront of my mind and affect every decision I make...the words that I choose...and my trust in His power and grace.

Although, reading that verse again just now gave me the giggles because I don't really lie down and sleep very much these days. :-)

2010-12-27T12:17:00.000-08:00

My heart is heavy today for all of the moms I've met along this journey of loss who experienced their first Christmas without their babies last weekend. Many nights when I wake up to feed Kaylee, I pray for the incredible women whose stories and testimonies have greatly impacted my life. And today I hurt with them.

I remember just wanting to curl up on the couch in a blanket a year ago during the holidays. Celebration felt so forced and empty. In some way, I thought that feeling would disappear this year now that our arms are no longer empty, but I was wrong. This past week has been really difficult for Shaun and I. We have felt the hole left in our hearts and our family by Zachary more than we have in a while, and we grieved the fact that he wasn't with us once again this Christmas. It becomes more and more apparent as time goes on that the void left in our lives by Zachary's absence will never be filled.

But, we did enjoy celebrating with Kaylee. She is so sweet. As we read the account of Christ's birth in Luke 2, I found myself thinking a lot about verse 19: "But Mary treasured all these things, pondering them in her heart." I've read that verse so many times, but it has never clicked like it did this past week. So many times in the past five weeks, I have paused while snuggling my girl on my shoulder or giving her a bath or watching Shaun hold her, and I usually close my eyes in an attempt to store away a memory of that moment in time. I just want to treasure each day with Kaylee. And, I think that's probably what Mary did with Jesus, too...I think that's exactly what Luke 2:19 is referring to. Because, although she was chosen by God to carry and give birth to the Savior of the world, Mary was also a mommy who had an indescribable love for her baby and wanted to remember him at each stage of life.

What a gift to be a mom to two kids, both of whom continue to change my life every day.

2010-12-14T12:43:00.000-08:00

Here are a few pictures from Kaylee's birthday:

Kaylee Hope DeYager

Family pic (at 4am!)

Proud daddy

I just can't get enough of her!

I've sat down to write here several times over the past two weeks, but between the needs of a newborn and flat-out not knowing how to sort through my emotions, I haven't even tried to put it into words.

But I'll try now.

Labor and delivery went as well as I could have ever imagined.

I was having non-stress tests to monitor Kaylee's heart rate twice a week. On Friday, November 26th, I went in to the hospital as scheduled for my NST. At my appointment, I was already dilated to 5cm, but there weren't enough nurses on the floor to admit me to induce then, so my midwife told us to go get some dinner and come back to the hospital to have a baby at 7pm. So, Shaun and I cruised through Costco and Home Depot to get some Black Friday deals, stopped at home to eat some dinner, and then headed back to the hospital. (It was so weird to be asked while we were shopping, 'So, when are you due?' and to answer, 'At 7pm tonight, actually.') :-)

By the time we got back to the birth center, I was already having contractions two minutes apart. Shaun and I walked through the halls for much of the next two hours. At around 10pm, my midwife broke my water, and after three more hours of hard labor and two pushes, I was holding my beautiful baby girl!

God answered so many prayers that night.

I had some apprehension about being induced because I wanted to go natural, so to already be in labor when we got back to the hospital was such an answer to prayer. And, although it was an amazing experience to go drug-free, I think it will be the last time I try it! :-)

I was also really afraid of the emotional intensity of walking back into the birth center where we delivered Zachary. It was not nearly as difficult as I had imagined. As Shaun and I walked through the halls, we passed room 2337, where we held our baby boy, several times. I was able to thank God for His faithfulness as I looked at that room number. He has changed us over and over again because of the 48 hours we spent in that room. And to remember did not fill me with fear as I had anticipated.

And, let me just sum up some of the most joyful moments of my life (and greatest answers to my prayers):

-to have a screaming, wiggling baby placed on my chest

-to drive out of the hospital parking lot with a baby in the carseat

-to lay my baby girl down to sleep at night in a crib that sat empty for 18 months

-to have that maternal desire finally fulfilled

-to watch Shaun change diapers and thoroughly enjoy his little girl

-to look down right now and see my beautiful girl asleep on my chest

Our time at home has not been without its difficult moments. It's so hard to realize all that we missed out on with Zachary. And, I have to daily recognize that Kaylee belongs to the Lord, and to constantly place her life back into His hands in total surrender. But we are loving having the opportunity to care for her and love on her. She's just as sweet as can be!

Thank you so much for your prayers over the past several months, and especially the past two weeks. We are so, so thankful.

Below is a link to some beautiful newborn photos that our friend, Cassie took for us this past weekend.

http://www.simplycherishedphotos.com/preview-deyager-family-renton-newborn-photographer/

2010-11-27T06:35:00.000-08:00

Kaylee Hope arrived on 11/27/10 at 12:56am weighing 8 lb, 8 oz and 20 inches long. We couldn't be more in love!

2010-11-21T13:10:00.000-08:00

"Fear is lost in all You are" - Hillsong, To The Ends of The Earth

2010-11-17T10:15:00.000-08:00

I knew that this stage of pregnancy - the waiting - would be difficult, but I had no idea just how mentally and emotionally exhausted it would leave me. Throughout the day I am plagued by the "what if's," and yet I am so encouraged by the number of people who are praying for us constantly. I'm so ready to hear this baby girl cry and hold her in my arms.

"We wait in hope for the LORD; He is our help and our shield.
In Him our hearts rejoice, for we trust in His holy name.

May your unfailing love be with us, LORD,

even as we put our hope in You."

-Psalm 33:20-22

2010-11-13T19:10:00.000-08:00

"The Lord will accomplish what concerns me." - Psalm 138:8a

2010-11-05T15:06:00.001-07:00

In less than a month our girl will be here.

To say that my heart is at peace on a day by day, moment by moment basis would be a lie. Don't get me wrong...I'm trying. But, the truth is, I'm anxious, and it's a battle every hour to choose to trust the Lord with this little girl's life.

I haven't been in the birthing center of our hospital since we walked out empty-handed almost 18 months ago, and just the thought of going back makes me heart race a little bit faster. While this baby girl is extremely active, I have moments of panic where I can practically convince myself that I haven't felt her move for a while and that something is wrong. I guess when you've lived through worst case pregnancy scenario, these feelings are hard to shake.

But mixed with the anxiety is pure excitement. I can't believe I will get to hold my daughter in just a few weeks!

God keeps reminding me that He is the same, no matter what...that He is big and He can handle my fear...and that He is good - always.

Psalm 102:25-27:

"In the beginning you laid the foundations of the earth, and the heavens are the work of your hands. They will perish, but you remain; they will all wear out like a garment. Like clothing you will change them and they will be discarded. But you remain the same, and your years will never end."

2010-10-24T19:22:00.000-07:00

This weekend we were absolutely blessed with multiple baby showers for our daughter. It was such sweet time with people who truly love our children. It was easy to celebrate the arrival of our girl with the recognition that I've already been a mommy for a year and a half. We have awesome friends.

And, yet, even after spending hours in that baby room this weekend organizing gifts, sorting pink clothes into appropriate sizes and putting up decorations, there is still a huge disconnect in my mind between the preparation for this baby and the possibility that we might actually get to bring her home and put her to bed in that room and dress her in those adorable outfits. I don't know if it's just because I still can't seem to let my mind go there, or if I simply have no concept of what it will be like to leave the hospital with a baby. Such a strange feeling...

But Shaun and I are just praising God for His faithfulness. Enjoying today and learning not to worry so much about tomorrow. No matter where we're headed, God's already been there. I think back to what I was feeling at this time last year, and I'm so thankful for His healing in my heart. I've learned so much about Who He is and how limited I am. He is our Hope and our Sustainer, both now and always.

2010-09-30T15:27:00.000-07:00

God is teaching me about grace right now in such a sweet and personal way. Maybe it’s just because I’m a hormonal, pregnant lady, but I find that my eyes just well up with tears when I think about the unexpected kindness that God has shown me. This past week He used the story of Elijah in 1 Kings to get my attention and soften my heart.

In 1 Kings 18 is one of the most spectacular accounts of God displaying His power in all of Scripture. I remember learning this story in Sunday School on a felt board with a cut-out character of Elijah. At that time this was kind of a smack-down, "my-dad-could-beat-your-dad-up" story…but it was what occurred after the show-down on Mount Carmel that I had missed until just this past week.

King Ahab and his wife Jezebel were the rulers over Israel at the time that God called Elijah as a prophet. They were evil. They adamantly opposed God, they made a sport of killing the prophets of the Lord, and they worshiped false gods, Baal in particular.

So, God stages the show-down on Mount Carmel. In order to end a draught that has plagued the land of Israel, He instructs Elijah to ask King Ahab to meet him on top of the mountain with hundreds of the prophets of Baal. Both parties (the Baal-worshipers and Elijah because he's the only prophet of the Lord that Ahab and Jezebel haven't killed yet) bring animals to sacrifice to their gods. Elijah basically says, 'The god who sends fire from heaven to consume the animal sacrifice is the one, true God.' So all day long the Baal-worshipers dance around the altar and call out to Baal and cut themselves and tear their clothes off and do all sorts of other disgusting things, but as 1 Kings 18:29 says, "...there was no response, no one answered, no one paid attention."

Then it's Elijah's turn. (Can't you just hear the background music? I loved this part in Sunday School.) Before Elijah calls out to the Lord to send fire, he drenches the altar and the wood with gallons and gallons of water. Then Elijah prays this prayer: "Answer me, O LORD, answer me, so these people will know that you, O LORD, are God, and that you are turning their hearts back again." And immediately fire falls from heaven and incinerates the entire, soaking wet sacrifice. The Baal-worshipers immediately fall to their knees in recognition that Elijah's God is the true and living God. Elijah then seizes and slaughters the prophets of Baal. And the draught ends with a heavy rain.

Now, the best part...this part wasn't on the felt board in Sunday School. :-)

So, Ahab goes back to the palace and tells Jezebel everything that happened on Mount Carmel. Jezebel becomes infuriated, and she threatens Elijah's life.

And, guess what Elijah does? He's just seen one of the most spectacular displays of God's power...God showed up when Elijah called His name in faith. And then, because of the threat of a ticked-off, middle-aged woman, Elijah acts like a complete wimp. He freaks out and runs for his life into the desert. He even asks God to end his life.

If you ask me, Elijah deserves a big spanking from the Lord...or at least a really stern talking-to. He so quickly forgot how big God is...how awesome He is...how the Lord listens to the cries of His people and responds.

But, instead of some harsh punishment, do you know what God does? He sends an angel to Elijah out in the middle of desert...as his faith in the almighty God is faltering and he's despairing his own life...and the angel brings him a picnic lunch. No rebuke. No ridicule of Elijah's cowardly behavior. Just some food. Just some grace for a weary servant.

And I started thinking about all the times that I've deserved that spanking from the Lord. All the times when He's provided a miracle and the next day I'm wondering whether or not He really knows what He's doing when it comes to my life. All the times I have doubted how big He is. All the times I have acted or spoken without any wisdom or consideration whatsoever. And, so many times when I've deserved discipline, He's given me gifts of pure grace instead. I have received SO MANY picnic lunches from the Lord! Because God doesn't want lip service. He's not just interested in fear-driven, rule-following obedience. He desires relationship. Why? Why would He want a relationship with a young woman whose faith falters? A young woman who spends an awful lot of time in the desert?

Because He is a God of incredible, unexpected grace.

2010-09-26T16:33:00.000-07:00

This past weekend I enjoyed my very first baby shower. When I was pregnant with Zachary, I planned to wait to have showers until after he was here because we didn't know if he was a boy or a girl until delivery day. So when friends initially asked if I wanted baby showers to be thrown to celebrate this little girl, I was really hesitant. But, I felt the Lord gently nudging me that this was part of preparing in hope for our baby girl's arrival. So, I said yes. And I'm so, so glad I did.

Yesterday morning I rode up with my friend, Lexie to Snoqualmie Falls where we met four other dear friends from college. We enjoyed an incredible four-course brunch overlooking the waterfall on a gorgeous fall day. And they spoiled me rotten with gifts! :-) Thanks, ladies, for your generous and thoughtful love. I can't tell you how much it means to know that you already love this little baby, too!

2010-09-23T19:38:00.001-07:00

I'm finding more and more just how limited my understanding of God's love is.

Over the past two years I have been bewildered by the challenges that God has allowed to enter our lives...so much so that I could rarely have equated those challenges with love. But time has a way of revealing the loving hand of God on our lives. At some point we can finally grasp an understanding of His perfect orchestration of our lives to make even the most harrowing moments sound beautiful.

This past weekend we were studying John 13 at church where Jesus chooses to spend the last day of His life on earth washing the feet of the disciples...the stinky, grimy feet of His closest friends...the job of the lowliest servant. The disciples were confused by it...they didn't understand why Jesus would choose to show His love in this way. Jesus knew this (of course He did, He's God), and in verse 7 He says, "You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."

I've just been chewing on that verse over the past couple of weeks...

"You don't get it now, but someday...someday you will see my love even through the times of confusion and frustration and utter heartache."

I used to sing a song in Sunday school that went like this: "In His time, in His time...He makes all things beautiful in His time."

For all the times I have hated and even cursed the mystery of God in the past couple of years, I'm so glad that His love is without limits and beyond my understanding.

"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose." - Romans 8:28

2010-09-11T15:22:00.000-07:00

We're entering the final stretch of pregnancy, and I'm tired...mentally more than physically.

I've answered "yes" to the question, "Is this your first?" so many times in the past few months, that I've almost convinced myself of it.

So, today I found myself at the cemetery once again. Partly because tracing the letters of my son's name etched in that gray stone with my fingers makes me feel a bit more anchored in reality, and partly because I've been really missing that little boy lately.

It's difficult for me to think back on this stage of pregnancy with Zachary...I had no idea that 9 months of a perfectly healthy, uncomplicated pregnancy could end like that. And, while I know that what happened to Zachary was really a freak accident, I also now know what horrors are possible. I trust God completely with our little girl's life, but I'm not naive enough to think that just because we've gone through tragedy once that we are exempt for the rest of our lives. So, I spend much of my mental energy these days re-affirming my trust in a God of incredible grace, reminding myself of what is real, and trying to be mindful of what a gift our daughter is. (She's so active that she makes it hard to forget. She's kicking like a wild child even now as I type.) :-)

Many people have asked me if I will have any special testing or monitoring towards the end of this pregnancy. Because I've had a full-term stillbirth and an ectopic pregnancy, I've kind of created a high-risk category of my own. However, I'm young and healthy, so the only monitoring that has been suggested is 2-3 non-stress tests (NST's) each week starting at 35 weeks. NST's are not really preventive, just reassuring to my healthcare providers that our baby girl and I are being monitored closely. It was also decided even before getting pregnant this time that I would never have to go past 39 weeks gestation with future pregnancies, so if this little girlie hasn't decided to arrive by 39 weeks, I will be induced.

Well, this has been a jumbled post, but I want to end with a verse that I learned when I was in elementary school, one that I've recalled to memory over and over again in the past few weeks.

"You will keep in perfect peace him whose mind is steadfast, because he trusts in You." -Isaiah 26:3

2010-09-05T15:44:00.000-07:00

Earlier this week I read the story of God leading the Israelites out of captivity in Egypt and parting the Red Sea in Exodus 14, and I was reminded of a couple of really important things for where I am right now in life.

But, first, the story:

God tells Moses what is about to happen at the beginning of the chapter. He gives Moses specific instructions of where to lead the Israelites to set up camp. And then He says this in verse 4: “And I will harden Pharaoh's heart, and he will pursue them [the Israelites]. But I will gain glory for myself through Pharaoh and all his army, and the Egyptians will know that I am the LORD." So, He indicates that He’s going to protect the Israelites after He hardens the heart of their greatest enemy, but it’s kind of vague. I’d probably have a few questions before heading out to set up camp if I were Moses.

But Moses obeys without question, and Pharaoh and his best men, horses and chariots begin their pursuit of the Israelites. Verse 10 says, “As Pharaoh approached, the Israelites looked up, and there were the Egyptians, marching after them. They were terrified and cried out to the LORD. They said to Moses, "Was it because there were no graves in Egypt that you brought us to the desert to die? What have you done to us by bringing us out of Egypt?...’ Moses answered the people, "Do not be afraid. Stand firm and you will see the deliverance the LORD will bring you today. The Egyptians you see today you will never see again. The LORD will fight for you; you need only to be still."

Then, the Lord miraculously parts the Red Sea and the Israelites walk across on dry land with walls of water to their right and to their left. As soon as the Israelites are safely across, God closes the water in on the Egyptians and not one of them survives.

Exodus 15 is a song of celebration for what God has done for the Israelites, and verse 13 captured my attention this week. It says, “In your unfailing love You will lead the people You have redeemed. In Your strength You will guide them to Your holy dwelling.”

Here are a few of the things I was reminded of and have been processing all week:

- God accomplishes great things in my life for His glory. It’s not about me.

- There are so many times on our journey of redemption when God is leading us from one side of Egypt through the Red Sea to a place of freedom. God’s desire for me is freedom.

- When God gives instruction, I’m called to obey without questioning His direction every step of the way.

- I am redeemed, and God is on my side. His purposes for me are good. That reality needs to significantly affect how I live my life day to day.

Shaun and I continue to walk by faith in obedience as we await the arrival of our little girl and trust the Lord for His provision for our family. I can't believe she will be here in just 11 weeks. In the meantime, I thank God for the miracle to carrying her today and for being our Sustainer.

2010-08-24T11:38:00.000-07:00

This weekend we took everything of Zachary's out of the baby room...his certificate of life, molds of his hands and feet, locks of his dark hair, the blue, knit blanket we held him in, baby boy clothes, pictures of the day he was born, and hundreds and hundreds of cards. I placed them in Rubbermaid bins (carefully-selected, practically indestructible ones) and they found their new home on the top shelf of our bedroom closet.

As we packed up our son's belongings, my heart ached and I could barely swallow. At one point, Shaun and I made eye contact, and I had to look away to avoid becoming hysterical. I just kept thinking, "This really happened? This is my life? Without my son?"

I know they're just things. They are not my baby boy. He's been gone for 15 long months now. They are not even my memories. Those are kept in a sacred place deep inside the heart of a mama and in the recesses of my mind. But they are physical reminders of a life that was...a life that changed my own forever...a life that I can no longer share in.

And so we live in this place of irresolvable tension. It feels like beginning a new chapter with the previous one left unfinished. As we prepare for this little girl to join our family, we celebrate. I praise God for the chance to carry her every, single day. Each time I get to watch my belly dance as she wiggles around. Every time I wake up at 3am to stumble to the bathroom. Every night as her daddy talks to her and kisses my belly. But we welcome our baby girl into our home and our hearts with this ever-present reminder that our family is missing someone...someone I'm missing desperately.

2010-08-17T17:41:00.000-07:00

So, I just had to write this down so that I can remember and chuckle about it years down the road. :-)

My biggest pet peeve of the month?

When someone who knows our story learns that I'm pregnant and says excitedly, "Oh, congratulations!" And then, just as quickly, their expression changes to a furrowed brow and they add, "I sure hope this one works out...(likes it's a teenage dating relationship)...(awkward pause as they stare at my belly)...oh, I'm sure this one will work out..." (as if they're reassuring themselves)...(another awkward pause and then I change the subject).

The first time it happened, I though it was a really strange thing to say...and then these awkward interactions started occurring frequently!

I know it's sincere, but if a family goes through the tragedy of losing their teenage son, you don't say, "Oh, I hope your other children don't die, too"!

People are funny. :-) It makes me think about all of the dumb things I've said to someone after they've gone through something tragic....hmmm....

2010-08-11T19:41:00.000-07:00

There have been numerous times in the past couple of weeks when the loss of my son has been so "punch-you-in-the-gut" that it has felt like I said goodbye and kissed Zachary's face one last time just yesterday. There hasn't been any real reason or rhyme to it. No triggers I can identify or patterns in my emotions. I've just missed him. And the sorrow has swept over me in waves.

I listened to a sermon this evening by Bill Hybels, who pastors at Willow Creek Church in Illinois, titled "Grieving with Hope." It was based on 1Thessalonians 4:13: "For we grieve not as those who have no hope."

It was an excellent reminder that, not only did God guarantee that we would walk through horrific circumstances in our lives, but that grief takes time, and in order to be made whole again, we have to give it time. So often I wish I could just "get over it" and stop feeling sad, but that's not how this works.

I would strongly encourage you to listen to this message if you've recently experienced a loss or know someone who has and want to be a great support to them. You can go to willowcreek.org, click on "Watch Messages" on the right-hand side, and find "Grieving with Hope" in the sermons from May 2010. (Sorry, it won't let me link it on here...)

2010-08-02T14:05:00.000-07:00

Life is going really well!

This sweet baby girl is active and growing strong and healthy, and my anxiety level is relatively low. I can't believe that she will be here in less than 4 months.

We got away on vacation to the lake last week and had an awesome time with family and friends.

Work's going well. We're still praying for full-time employment for Shaun before this little girl arrives, but God continues to provide for our needs. He is faithful.

2010-07-21T13:02:00.000-07:00

We had a wonderful morning on Monday! Lots of anxiety leading up to the ultrasound, but just before walking back to that little ultrasound room, a place of such harrowing memories, I was reminded very poignantly that the God Who walked into that little room with us would be the same God when we walked out, no matter what. Our circumstances in no way change Who God is. I read Psalm 71 on Monday morning:

But as for me, I will always have hope;
I will praise You more and more.

My mouth will tell of your righteousness,
of Your salvation all days long,
though I know not its measure.

I will come and proclaim Your mighty acts, O Sovereign Lord;
I will proclaim Your righteousness, Yours alone.

Since my youth, O God, You have taught me,
and to this day I declare Your marvelous deeds.

Even when I am old and gray,
do not forsake me, O God,
'til I declare Your power to the next generation,
Your might to all who are to come.

Your righteousness reaches to the skies, O God,
You Who have done great things.
Who, O God, is like You?

Though You have made me see troubles, many and bitter,
You will restore my life again;
from the depths of the earth
You will again bring me up.

You will increase my honor
and comfort me once again.

And, there was absolutely no concerns about this baby whatsoever. The umbilical cord is the right length at this stage with excellent bloodflow. She's a perfectly healthy little girl! She sucked her thumb for almost the entire 45 minutes and had her legs crossed at the ankles like a little lady. :-) As we prepare for this sweet girl's arrival, we prepare in HOPE.

God is so good. Today Shaun and I are celebrating our 4th anniversary. I told a friend this morning that if someone had told me a year ago, in the midst of such heartache, how full our lives would be today, I wouldn't have believed them for a second. Not perfect, but incredibly full. We are blessed.

2010-07-18T15:07:00.000-07:00

Tomorrow morning we have our 20-week ultrasound. As much as most days seem to drag on with wondering (and some definite worry), I really can't believe that it's been 20 weeks! As excited as I am to see this wiggling, little baby on the screen, I'm also really nervous.

Ultrasounds have been some of the most horrific experiences of my life.

And Satan wants me to be anxious and assume the worst as we walk into that little room tomorrow. I know, without a doubt, that God will walk into that room with us, though. And, no matter what, He will walk out of that room with us, too. He is the same today as He will be tomorrow at this time.

Please pray for a genuine peace to cover over us in the morning. Thanks!

2010-07-01T11:09:00.000-07:00

Of this I am convinced:

My God is bigger than any trial He asks me to walk through.

My doubt does not restrain how great God is.

His power is made perfect in my weakness.

His provision is without limits. He is enough.

God is glorified in my offering of pain.

He has the last word on death.

1 Thessalonians 5:16-18

"Be joyful always; pray continually; give thanks in all circumstances, for this is God's will for you in Christ Jesus."

Jeremiah 32:27

"I am the Lord, the God of all mankind. Is anything too hard for me?"

2010-06-29T18:46:00.000-07:00

A few moments that have brought me to tears lately:

- Pulling out old maternity clothes that I wore when I was pregnant with Zachary.

- Anxiously waiting to feel this baby move, but dreading it all the same because I know it will preoccupy my thoughts for the next 20+ weeks.

- Making plans to paint and re-decorate a nursery that was never used and deciding which of Zachary's things to put away.

A few moments that have brought incredible joy to my heart:

- Taking a 4 mile walk with Shaun last night just so I could get gyoza, dark chocolate and a movie to watch together.

- Time with good friends who ask how I'm doing and really want to know.

- Sweet time with my family over the past couple of weeks.

I find that, as I'm forced to go one layer deeper to grieve, God does more healing work in my heart. It's difficult to live in this place between loss and new life, but I'm thankful. My instinct is to rush through this time, but I'm learning so much as I discover all over again how to trust the Lord. Yes, there are moments of sorrow, but I know that God is making me whole and stretching my faith.

2010-06-26T22:11:00.000-07:00

"Do not judge the bereaved mother.

She comes in many forms.

She is breathing, but she is dying.

She may look young, but inside she has become ancient.

She smiles, but her heart sobs.

She walks, she talks, she cooks, she cleans, she works, she IS,

but she IS NOT, all at once.

She is here, but part of her is elsewhere for eternity."

-Author Unknown

2010-06-22T21:55:00.000-07:00

We're going through the book of John right now in our sermon series at church. This past Sunday we looked at chapter five in which Jesus miraculously heals a man who has been paralyzed for 38 years. But before Jesus heals this man, He asks him this question: "Do you want to get well?"

If Jesus were to ask us any of us this question, it would sound rhetorical. But I think Jesus is looking for something more than the obvious.

He doesn't ask, "Do you want me to change your circumstances?" or "Do you want a quick fix?." He asks the invalid if he wants to get well because Jesus wants to change this man from the inside out. He wants to heal more than his physical suffering. He wants to make him whole - emotionally, spiritually and physically.

I felt the gentle Spirit of God asking the same question of me as I sat in church next to Shaun.

"Do you want a quick solution, or do you want Me to change you where you are right now?"

Secretly, I wish God would just speed this whole process of pregnancy up. I've started to be very purposeful about controlling my anxiety and intentionally bonding with this child, but really I just want to arrive home from the hospital with my baby. I just want to close my eyes and have this agonizing wait be over. And I'm so concerned about tomorrow that I often miss the blessing of carrying this sweet gift today. I'm missing what God has for me right now.

"Do you want to get well?"

Do I truly want God to use every blessing, every heartache, every twist and turn along the way to change me...heal me...make me whole?

2010-06-17T18:17:00.000-07:00

Give me eyes to see more of Who You are

May what I behold still my anxious heart

Take what I have known and break it all apart

You, my God, are greater still

No sky contains

No doubt restrains

All You are

The greatness of our God

I spend my life to know

And I'm far from close

To all You are

The greatness of our God

Give me grace to see beyond this moment here

To believe that there is nothing left to fear

That You alone are high above it all

You, my God are greater still

-Greatness of Our God, Natalie Grant

2010-06-15T15:41:00.000-07:00

I wish this pregnancy could be as carefree as the last...but it's not. I haven't taken any belly pictures. I haven't started a journal of letters to this child. I panic every time my midwife pulls out the doppler to find a heartbeat at my appointments. Shaun and I haven't discussed baby names or nursery decor...actually, I haven't even walked into the baby room in weeks.

40 weeks feels like it might as well be 40 years right now.

This past weekend we were at a family wedding. As people happily meandered around and music played through the speakers, my eyes caught the form of a little boy 'dancing' on the dance floor. He was adorable... curly blonde hair, dressed in his wedding garb, and totally unsteady on his feet as he waddled around and rolled on the floor. I couldn't help but wonder if that's what my little boy would look like at 13 months...what it would be like to be the mom standing over my toddler to catch him if he fell while busting a move.

A little while later, I was standing next to that little boy's mom waiting for the restroom (no surprise), and she noticed my little baby bump. After sharing that she was pregnant, too, and exchanging all of the standard questions...when are you due, how many weeks along, etc., she asked me if this was my first. Without hesitation, I smiled and said, "yes." It just didn't seem worth the emotional expenditure at that moment to launch into our story, and it hurt.

Because this isn't my first baby. I've been through all of pregnancy and delivery. I've done this before. And I grieve the fact that this child will never know his or her older brother. That this child will be forced to answer questions like, "how many kids are in your family?'..."are you the oldest?", etc. I just realize more and more every day that we can't simply leave our loss behind us...that it's part of our story, part of our family forever.

2010-06-09T18:00:00.000-07:00

For the past two months I have been wading through the balance of bold faith and steadfast trust in God's sovereignty. I'm slowly discovering how the two go hand in hand.

I am 15 weeks pregnant. I have hesitated to tell friends and family, and I hesitate to write that even now. To be congratulated feels really strange...I think I'm still very much in denial. Don't get me wrong...I'm so, so thankful. This is something we have prayed for and waited on the Lord for for what seemed like a long time. But, pregnancy is also a huge risk to me now, and to be excited means that I am hopeful, and to be hopeful means that I could end up devastated again.

So, I'm working through how to ask God for a healthy pregnancy and a screaming baby in a few months, but with the knowledge that God's plans are not my own and that, no matter what tomorrow holds, He will walk with us. There are moments that I am overcome with fear and guilt, but for the most part, I have a genuine peace.

Thank you for praying with us in the days and weeks ahead.

Psalm 29:10-11

2010-05-27T10:49:00.000-07:00

"The Lord sits enthroned over the flood;

the Lord is enthroned as King forever.

The Lord gives strength to His people;

The Lord blesses His people with peace."

2010-05-18T14:18:00.001-07:00

I had an honestly wonderful day yesterday. It felt a little surreal, and at times like I was in the twilight zone. But, as with many "milestone days," the anticipation was much harder than the actual day itself.

On Sunday afternoon we went to the cemetery with our families and close friends and spent some time remembering and praying together and then had a great dinner at my parents' house.

And then yesterday came and I had no idea what to do...it felt like a normal Monday for the most part, so here's what I did: spent some time with a dear friend in the morning and got my hair cut and colored....ran some errands...did some laundry...sat outside in the sun...and went out to a fabulous dinner with Shaun.

I cried once - when I went to open my front door to let some sunshine in and couldn't because our front porch was literally covered in flowers. Oh, and again when I read through the numerous cards that filled our mailbox. Well, and one more time when I watched a video of my 2-year-old nephew sending blue balloons to his baby cousin. Okay. So, I cried a bit. But that disgusting ache didn't hang over me like a dark cloud all day. Sure, I missed my boy. But I miss him every day. And I know that we had an army of people praying for us and missing him with us. I went to bed last night just feeling incredibly blessed and loved...and relieved, I guess. I have made it through the hardest year of my life so far...and I'm okay. I had the lyrics of a song that I sang Sunday at church going through my mind all day:

"When my world is shaking

Heaven stands

And when my heart is breaking

I never leave Your hands."

-JJ Heller, Your Hands

Thank you for continuing to love us and pray for us. Thank you for reminding me regularly that you think about our boy, and that because of him, your life is different. It means more than you will ever know.

Praise God that through every season of life He is the same and He is good! We never leave His hands.

2010-05-15T13:32:00.000-07:00

One year ago I was waiting for you...eager, exhausted.

My ribs on the right side were bruised from your not-so-little feet. If I wanted to roll over in bed, I had to wake your dad up to help me. I waddled everywhere I went. And I couldn't wait until you arrived...you were already late, after all.

The carseat was strapped in to the back seat of the car. Our bags were packed in the trunk. Your room was as ready as it could be since we didn't yet know whether you were a boy or a girl. The list of people to call/text/invite to the hospital was compiled. All we had to do was wait.

If I had known that the wait to know you would be the length of my lifetime on this earth, I probably wouldn't have been so antsy. If I had known you would be born into the hands of the almighty God, I probably wouldn't have worried about getting a manicure that weekend. And if I had know that we would celebrate your first birthday at a cemetery rather than taking home video of you eating your cake, I don't know if I would have survived that weekend.

I miss you so much, baby boy. I know you're having a great time, but my heart aches for you. It feels like we said goodbye just yesterday.

Zachary, as we celebrate your birthday without you, please know that I love you so much. Please know that you have opened my heart in a way I didn't know possible. Please know that your room is still full of your pictures and your diapers. I just can't seem to get myself to put it all away. Not a moment goes by that I don't think about you. I will never forget you...I can't. I bear the scars on my tummy from carrying you and a gaping hole in my heart.

2010-05-08T13:27:00.000-07:00

I have been going through such a confusing range of emotions over the past week.

But, I've been so humbled by the outpouring of love from friends. From the innumerable people who have stopped to let me know that they're thinking of me this month to gifts of books and flowers and cards. My heart is so thankful to know that our hurt, and more importantly, my son, is not forgotten. Thank you, once again, for loving us with so much thought and consideration.

While my heart aches today, I feel so blessed.

2010-05-04T16:08:00.000-07:00

This past weekend Shaun and I went to a marriage conference.

Now, we've been to the same marriage conference twice before. The first time, we were engaged, so it was really a waste of time...simply because we had this preconceived notion that we were crazy about each other, therefore we would never have conflict in our marriage. Right. The second time we went, we had been married for just over a year, and we argued the whole time...reality check.

But, this past weekend, we just had a ton of fun. We talked about some things we could both do better in our marriage, but for the most part, we just reflected on the limitless provision of God over this past year. It was an excellent reminder that the trials we've walked through have proved that our home is built on a solid foundation.

And I think my husband is so, so cool.

2010-04-19T12:48:00.000-07:00

Part of me wishes I could just fast-forward through the quickly-approaching month of May. Between Mother's Day and Zachary's first birthday, I am emotionally exhausted just thinking about it. But, there's no fast-forward button and I know that I must walk through it.

Besides, the sun is out, spring is here and life is made new once again.

11 Months

2010-04-17T21:50:00.000-07:00

Sweet Boy -

I've missed you so much lately.

I sat at the cemetery earlier this week, and my heart ached to be with you, Zachary. My heart will long to be with you every day I walk this earth. I fell in love with you when you were safe inside of me, and that love has only intensified since you've been gone. You are my baby...my son.

I will love you forever -

Mom

2010-04-12T14:28:00.000-07:00

Missing my boy like crazy today.

2010-04-03T13:22:00.000-07:00

Easter is tomorrow. How did that happen so fast?

As the room where we meet for church fills with people tomorrow morning and we celebrate the life of Christ, the term 'resurrection' has a much greater meaning to me than it ever has.

God gave His Son on my behalf, the most selfless act of love. He knows the sorrow of a grave. He watched the murder and burial of His own child.

But God took the cross - a symbol of a cruel, torturous death - and, through His power, made it the most glorious symbol of life. Because God raised His Son from the dead, we too can have the hope of resurrection and life made whole.

I read this earlier this week, and it has run through my thoughts all week long. Below is an excerpt from Max Lucado's book, Facing Your Giants:

'God has the last word on death. And, if you listen, He will tell you the truth about your loved ones. They've been dismissed from the hospital called Earth. You and I still roan the halls, smell the medicines, and eat green beans and Jell-O off plastic trays. They, meanwhile, enjoy picnics, inhale springtime, and run through knee-high flowers. You miss them like crazy, but can you deny the truth? They have no pain, doubt or struggle...They know the joy of resurrection.'

Heaven. I will never be able to wrap my mind around it until I'm there. And, while I grieve the fact that I don't get to dress my little boy in an Easter outfit tomorrow morning, I know that what Zachary is experiencing is so much better. Easter morning in heaven...that's got to be awesome!

Isaiah 53:4-5 says that Christ, 'took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows' all the way to the cross...and 'by His wounds we are healed.' Hallelujah!

2010-04-01T15:23:00.000-07:00

Tuesday night we pulled into the driveway a little after 11pm. While I was exhausted, I sat in the passenger’s seat with an incredible sense of awe.

On Tuesday night I held a newborn for the first time since I held my own son.

It’s something I have utterly dreaded since last May. I’ve skipped countless baby showers, refused to extend my arms to hold an infant, avoided conversations, and, sadly enough, even avoided friends. I have cocooned myself against the world in a sense because, to my weakened heart, the world has been harsh. And, in my little cocoon, I had built up so much anxiety that I didn’t know if I would ever be able to hold an infant again.

But I did. And it was wonderful. In the comfort of a home where I've spend countless hours and with people who love us tremendously, I held baby Noelle.

No tears. Just love.

Thanks, Paul and Julie, for sharing your precious gift with me.

2010-03-22T12:12:00.000-07:00

This weekend was really good. Incredible women, a view of the ocean, and time in the Word...well, and a few inevitable plastered-smile conversations. :-)

I'm learning to be okay with not being okay. That probably sounds really strange to anyone who hasn't walked through loss, but I'm learning to rest in the tension of my circumstances continuing to suck and my heart still feeling very broken, but trusting that God has purposefully designed my life, He gets it, and He knows what's up ahead.

And, I was utterly delighted this morning to find that Zachary's tree has it's first opening blossoms of spring...spring has arrived. As I watch the rest of the garden come to life, that is my prayer for my own heart...that God would continue to wake me up and make me new.

2010-03-19T11:46:00.001-07:00

I'm off to our church's Womens Retreat this weekend.

I'm excited...I'm going with incredible, loving, fun friends who have walked with me through the intensity of the past year and are sensitive to where I'm at.

I'm also nervous. I try to avoid large groups, and especially large groups of women because they typically just talk about their kids. I can't blame them...it's exactly what I would do if my kiddo was here. I just hate sitting there, feeling that fake, plastered smile creep across my face and pretend that hearing them talk about their one-year-old doesn't make my heart ache for mine.

Yesterday, one of my dear friends and mentors left me a message...a reminder to not worry so much about doing the hard work of growing, learning, etc., but just to be this weekend. To let myself feel...to let myself grieve...to be open to the Lord...and let those awkward, plaster-smile conversations hurt. It's okay. It's not intentional, and it makes sense that my heart aches. God knows.

I'm trusting that God will continue to soften my heart as I am honest before Him.

10 Months

2010-03-17T20:48:00.000-07:00

Today is the 17th. It's now been 10 months since Zachary was born...since I held my baby boy for the first and last time.

It's hard to reconcile the fact that we have now been without Zachary longer than the amount of time that he was here with us.

I miss my boy. There's a hole in my heart that doesn't go away...will never go away... as long as I walk this earth. It's so daunting at times.

And, yet, here I am. Without my son, but still going. Still waking up each morning with purpose. I feel more awake than I have in a long time, actually. Yes, there is a huge void in my life, but it is not all-consuming. I still have the capacity to love and to be loved. Praise God for His grace.

2010-03-14T14:50:00.000-07:00

I've been struggling with mercy lately.

Now, I've never claimed to have the spiritual gift of mercy. (Right, Mom and Derek?) :-) My response to whining is usually, "Suck it up, Buttercup." (Great quality for a nurse, huh?) But, for the past couple of weeks it's been particularly difficult for me to respond to people with grace.

I think it's probably because I saw in such tangible ways while in Haiti what need really is. People who literally have nothing, work hard every day with debilitating physical conditions, hold worship services outside in the dark, extend such generous hospitality, and never complain. That's who I want to help. I had a hard time at work this week because people would come in to the clinic, drop a $20 co-pay like it's chump change (more than what over half the world survives on in 2 weeks), whine for ten minutes about having the sniffles (really?), and then gripe incessantly when the doctor walked into the room five minutes late with such a sense of entitlement. I had very little compassion.

Now, I realize that I'm complaining about other people complaining, and that's a little ridiculous. I'm just having a hard time reconciling it all.

I want to have mercy. I want to walk in grace. I want to live with the ever-present realization that for each person who drives me nuts, Christ died. And, I really do believe in my heart that everyone has something to offer. God says in Matthew 5:7, "Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy." I certainly want to receive mercy, but I have struggled to extend it.

I guess if I spent more time considering the grace that's been poured out on me...grace that cost God His perfect Son...grace that offers me forgiveness and the hope of eternity in heaven instead of giving me what I really deserve...maybe I would be more gracious toward others.

More of Haiti...

2010-03-10T14:41:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd write a little bit about the clinic we set up in Haiti before the memories start slipping away (I swear, I've had the worst time with memory loss over this past year...they say that grief does that to you, but it's so annoying!)

So, anyways, my friend Lexie and I were the only medically-trained personnel on our team traveling to Haiti. We're both RN's (we went to nursing school together at SPU and worked on the same unit at Seattle Childrens), and we were under the impression that when we arrived in Haiti, we would be joining up with a doctor.

Well, we got to Haiti and guess what we found? No doctor! But the pastor told us that we were expected to have a clinic that day because the whole community knew we were there. So, we agreed to start seeing patients in the afternoon and to do our best with the understanding that we didn't have the knowledge or supplies necessary to do what should be done for these people.

As we were unpacking our boxes of supplies...gauze, bandages, cold compresses, Tylenol, Tums, etc., the dirty, little two-room building we were working in started to fill with people. The next thing we knew, there were over 20 people waiting to be seen. Lexie and I looked at each other, my stomach felt like it had been twisted into a knot, and my eyes immediately welled up with tears.

I suddenly wanted to be transported home. I knew we weren't going to be able to do what we had ideally come to Haiti to do. It was a sobering moment.

But, there were people waiting to be cared for, so we started getting people in order and figuring out who was going to translate for us. And, one by one, people told us of their ails. Some just needed a wound cleaned and dressed. Others needed much, much more...visible hernias that needed repair, diabetes that needed to be medicated and followed, probable ulcers, parasites, etc. Our efforts felt so futile at times. We would encourage those who needed further medical attention to go see a doctor, but with the knowledge that a visit to the doctor (which is $2) probably wouldn't happen at the cost of an entire day's wages.

But, for the most part, people just wanted to be listened to...to feel like someone had the time of day to hear about their pain...and we were privileged to pray for many. One woman who we prayed over had come from Port au Prince. During the earthquake, her 23-year-old daughter was working as a nurse and had been crushed when the hospital collapsed. This woman had come to Dessalines to stay with family. Being a 23-year-old nurse, that one hit pretty close to home.

Here are a few pictures from our clinic days:

This is the building we used as our clinic...

Just workin'...

I'm cleaning out a wound on a guy's foot here...it's hard to tell...

This little boy had quarter-sized boils covering his body. He was one of many with skin infections.

This little girl was brought in by her father who said that she had been suffering with severe diarrhea for days. My jaw almost hit the ground when he told me that she was 6-years-old. She was so dehydrated, so malnourished. My eyes tear up just looking at these pictures.

And, this sweet baby had been unable to eat or drink for days because of the infection that had ravaged her lower jaw. We took her to the hospital in Dessalines to get the antibiotics and treatment she needed.

I feel like the work has just begun. We have such a clear picture of how we want to contribute to the health of the community of Dessalines in the future...hopefully soon.

A Few Pictures...

2010-03-08T11:12:00.001-08:00

The beautiful landscape in Dessalines, wide open fields divided into plots of land for farmers.

A few sweet faces...

A good game of duck-duck-goose and our tents in the background.

2010-03-07T21:41:00.000-08:00

So, I know I promised more stories about my experience in Haiti, but today I'm just having a hard time being home. My heart was so free in Haiti, and I'm kind of wishing someone would just ship me back there. I did well adjusting to 'normal' life all week long, but tonight I'm bummed out. I don't want to deal with 'normal' life...

2010-03-03T17:03:00.001-08:00

Like I've mentioned before, I expected God to do some awesome work in my life while I was in Haiti, but what surprised me was the healing that took place in my heart.

When we first got to Haiti, the kids were so excited to see us. They would literally jump on me, hug me around the neck, crawl into my lap the moment I sat down or slip their little hands into mine. The first day we were in Dessalines, I hung back. It's been so hard for me to be around children, especially babies and toddlers, since Zachary died. During that first 24 hours in Haiti, I had to constantly come before God in prayer and ask Him...beg Him...to open my heart and release me to love the children around me. It was grueling at times, but over the course of the week, He did. By Friday, I had no hesitation in scooping a child up in my arms and kissing them. As a matter of fact, I'm missing those kiddos terribly right now.

This probably doesn't seem significant to some, but it was tangible evidence to me that God is healing my heart. At a stage when it seems that everyone is pregnant and having healthy babies around us, it's easy for me to shut down. And not that it's all that much easier to handle, but it was good to know that it's possible for my heart to risk loving a child again.

Anyways, I just wanted to put that in writing so I remember it later.

2010-03-02T11:56:00.000-08:00

I thought I'd share a little bit about what it was like to live in Haiti for a week:

Accommodations:

We stayed in Dessalines, which is about 90 miles north of Port au Prince. Originally we thought that we would be sleeping on the floor of the church or at the pastor's home, but when we arrived, we found five tents set up for us! Surprise! :-) The pastor we were working with brought us mattresses to sleep on, and the three of us girls on the trip with all of our belongings shared a 4-man tent for the week. It was cramped and dusty, but humorous. :-)

No running water, so every night we would take cold bucket showers...I had never been so dirty in my life!

Travel:

To get to Dessalines, all ten of us plus the pastor and our driver, piled into an old, barely-running 1990's minivan. It would have been tight with 12 of us in a minivan anyways, but we had half a dozen boxes of supplies to bring with us and all of our luggage. So, the guys tied all of our backpacks onto the top of the van with rope and all of the boxes went where the back seat would have been. That left two seats in the front (including the driver's seat), one row of seats in the middle, and a wooden bench facing the middle seat for all of us to sit on. It was crazy!! We occassionally rotated seats and planned where to place our legs like a puzzle...lets just say that the three flat tires we got on the way up were welcome stretch breaks! I'll have to post a picture. And, although Dessalines is only 90 miles away, the roads are mostly unpaved with gigantic potholes, so it took us over five hours to get there. But, I have to be honest, there's no way you can go through an experience like that without bonding with the people who are suffering with you, so it was bonding to say the least, and our drives ended us being some of the highlights of the trip for me!

Everywhere else, we walked...we probably walked an average of 6-10 miles each day, which really was great!

Food:

Haiti is the poorest country on the face of the earth. Food is scarce. And since the earthquake, the cost of food has almost doubled. People are literally starving to death every day. But Haitians are also incredibly generous, and every afternoon around 1pm, the pastor's wife would cook us a big meal.

On the side of the roads in Haiti are women selling produce that they and their husbands farm from their gardens - lots of okra, tomatoes, carrots, sweet potatoes, onions, bananas, plantains, etc. However, meat is a rare commodity. Every Wednesday, market goes on in the center of town and that's the only opportunity to purchase meat unless you have your own livestock that you can butcher. So, if you're eating meat on Monday, it was purchased on the previous Wednesday and no one has refrigerators or ice, so it's been sitting out in 90+ degree weather for multiple days. Lucky for me, I was informed of this half-way through the week!

But the food really did taste delicious! We had rice and beans at almost every meal with some type of meat (chicken, goat, mystery meat?) that had been simmering with spicy sauce and vegetables all morning. Usually there was a plate of raw vegetables (onions, peppers, and tomatoes) and fried plantains. We also had a dish for dessert one night that was hot, sweet pudding, and it was SO good!

At night, if we were hungry, we, as a team, would boil water to make MRE's (meals ready to eat) like they do in the military. They weren't too bad.

Clean water is non-existent once you get out of the capital city, so every night we had to pump water from the well and then filter it ourselves and add iodine of water purification drops. Unless you added some zip-fizz or gatorade, you were stuck drinking warm water that tasted like a swimming pool. One of the first things I had last night when I got home? Cold, clean water out of the tap with ice and a slur-pee! :-)

Schedule:

The time in Haiti is three hours ahead of Seattle, so it wasn't difficult to adjust our schedules. We woke up every morning around 6am (that is, if we slept...the roosters in Haiti are terribly confused creatures, and they started crowing every night around 11pm and kept going all through the night!). Tuesday through Friday of the week, my friend Lexie and I ran a clinic out of a building next to the church while the guys did construction (really, really hard manual labor without a lot of basic tools). At 1pm we would break for our meal, and then finish up our projects and play with the kids for much of the afternoon. Every night the church would have service outside in Creole - it was awesome! Haitians certainly know how to worship! And, after a cold bucket shower, an MRE, an hour around the water pump filtering and a team meeting, we would settle into our tents for the night.

Climate:

The temperature was in the 90's, but rainy season is coming up, so the air is thick with humidity. I started sweating the moment we landed in Haiti and, with the exception of my 10-minute bucket shower every night, I didn't stop sweating until we arrived back in Miami again. (And for those of you who know me well know how miserable I am in anything over 80 degrees! It was rough!) There were a couple of nights with no breeze, and I would fall asleep in a puddle of sweat...so gross. Twice while we were there it rained, and while every Haitian person would run inside, our team would run OUTside and yell, "Alleluia!"...we were quite the spectacle...10 white people (or 'blancs' in Creole) dancing outside in the rain!

Random:

My legs are covered in mosquito bites.

I never once got sick.

And, even with the heat, swimming pool water to drink and 6-day-old meat, I can't wait to return...

More to come later! I can't wait to tell you about the clinic and how God led us while caring for the sick and injured!

2010-03-01T17:58:00.000-08:00

I'm home! Safe, sound, grimy, and so thankful to hug my husband again. What an incredible week. I'm still processing so much and in desperate need of sleep, but there's no question in my mind that the past 9 days have changed my life.

The day we arrived in Haiti, I had this strange moment riding in the back of a truck away from the airport...I thought to myself, 'Why am I here? Why now? Am I just trying to be a hero? Did I come with the ridiculous notion that God's going to be impressed with my willingness to serve Him and bless me?' I knew that God had opened the door for me to go, but I wasn't really sure why. And intermittently throughout the week, even though I was working my behind off and had tangible evidence that I was in Haiti for a reason, I still caught myself asking the same questions.

I'll fill in many stories and lessons learned from the week later when my brain is awake, but I just have to share that yesterday we had church together (in English!) before we left Port au Prince, and I was asked to summarize what God had done in my heart in the previous 9 days. During the course of my time in Haiti, as I sat on the dirty floor and bandaged wounds, played duck-duck-goose with children, laughed until I cried with our team and served in whatever capacity I could, God reached down into one more layer of my heart and did some incredible healing. Another work of grace...terribly unpleasant at times and truly unexpected...but healing all the same.

I can't wait to share more later, but right now I need to go eat...a giant piece of chicken...I haven't had meat in over a week! :-)

Thank you SO, SO much for your prayers and support. God kept us all safe and healthy and did some awesome work in our lives.

Back in Port Au Prince

2010-02-27T13:04:00.001-08:00

Courtney is back in Port Au Prince. They leave for Miami tomorrow morning. Back home Monday afternoon. She said the trip has been really good. They have been able to help so many and hang out the adults there, along with playing with the kids. Continue to pray for safety for the rest of the trip home.

Thanks!

Update from today (Friday)

2010-02-26T23:19:00.000-08:00

From Courtney...

We didn't have clinic today because we were out of what we needed. We hiked up a range of mountains in the afternoon and it was incredible. Tomorrow we head back to Port Au Prince for the night because we fly to Miami on Sunday.

Keep praying for the team. Keep praying for the people there in Haiti. Pray that the people continue to be receptive to the hearing about Jesus. Pray for all the relief workers that are in Haiti as they work to help rebuild buildings and treat the sick and injured.

Thanks again for your prayers!

Update from Haiti

2010-02-26T23:05:00.000-08:00

From Shaun...I received some text updates from Courtney...

This is from yesterday...

I'm absolutely baking! I can barely drink enough water to keep up with how much I'm sweating, but I feel good. We saw 75 more people today, almost 200 total in the clinic in 3 days and we've run out of some meds. So many children who are severely malnourished, covered in boils or have malaria. Our help feels so temporary, like a band aid, but for the most part, these people are just thankful to be cared for and loved. And it is a privilege to help in a practical way, even if it is a band aid. I really do love the people of Haiti so much.

Thanks for your continued prayers!!

2010-02-22T04:37:00.000-08:00

Well, it was a long 24 hours of travel as Shaun said, but we're in Haiti! I can't believe it! Flying in yesterday, all I could see out of the window of the plane was multi-colored makeshift tents for those who have been left homeless or are too afraid to go back into their homes. As we drove through the streets of Port Au Prince, it was just as bad as the pictures on the news. Piles of crumbled cement...mounds of trash burning on street corners...and beautiful people with the resiliency I don't think any American can understand.

When we arrived at the missionaries' home where we slept last night, my friend Lexie and I walked over to a boys' home that they've converted to a hospital. Thirty beds, patients ranging in age from 17 days to 70 years. Broken bones, malaria, infected wounds. On one of the cots was a woman who had been literally crushed in the earthquake. She had suffered an open pelvic fracture, and both of her legs had been shattered...one had to be amputated and one was stabilized in an external fixator. While she herself was a miracle, she also held in her arms a miracle. At the time of the quake this woman was 9 months pregnant, and after her rescue, she delivered a perfectly healthy baby girl via C-section. She's beautiful.

I don't get how God can bring something so good from something so bad, but that's what He does. It doesn't change how painful and horrific the situation is, but He brings beauty from ashes.

We're headed out to Desallines this morning...I hear it's a bumpy 4-hour drive into the hills where we will be staying for the rest of the week. I doubt I will have internet or cell reception, but we'll see. I'm so, so thankful for the opportunity to be here...to serve...to learn. Keep praying!

Courtney is safe in Haiti

2010-02-21T11:50:00.000-08:00

My first official post for Courtney...:) I received a text this morning from her. They made it to Haiti safe and she is so excited for the opportunity ahead. The first prayer request is for energy and strength. They had to "sleep" in the airport last night, which meant about an hour of sleep. As I understand it, they are in a vehicle on the way to the town where they will be helping the local pastor with some building projects and setting up a clinic to treat people medically. Pray for safety in travel. I believe the town they will be at is about 90 miles north of Port Au Prince. Lastly, pray for cell service so I can receive updates (this is a selfish request). Thanks for all your prayers, as well as financial support. I believe that Courtney has raised about $6000 so far. That is a big blessing that will be used in mighty ways in Haiti. Thank you for giving.

2010-02-18T13:04:00.001-08:00

Crisis averted. Phew. We actually booked tickets today for less than our Delta flight. God is so good! We now leave early Saturday morning. Definitely time to pack!

2010-02-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

Please pray! Delta just informed us tonight that they've cancelled all flights into Haiti, and that's who was going to get us there. We're scrambling to find another carrier and flight and have some good options. I'm confident that if God wants us in Haiti, we'll get there. I'm a planner, though.

9 Months

2010-02-16T22:03:00.001-08:00

My sweet boy -

How can it be that we've been missing you for the same length of time that we had you with us? It's hard to understand where that time has gone. I still miss you like crazy every day of my life, Zachary. I love you so, so much and I can't wait to see you again!

Love Forever,

Mom

2010-02-16T14:09:00.000-08:00

In five days I will be boarding a plane to Haiti.

Through the incredible generosity of the people in our lives, and even strangers, I have raised enough money to rebuild a small part of the world. I am floored by the donations totaling over $4,000. Thank you. Thank you so much.

I've never been so aware of my limitations. All week long, I've just been wishing that I had gone to med school instead of nursing school. I wish I knew more so I could better help these people. But, I'm thankful for this practical skill set as an RN, and, as my friend Lexie pointed out as we were getting supplies yesterday, this is when God works miracles...when we recognize our limitations and are totally dependent on Him.

I just purchased travel medical and evacuation insurance...but I'm not afraid of anything happening...it was more for other peoples' peace of mind.

I also purchased my mosquito net, bug spray, and permethrin to treat my clothes today...those WERE for my own peace of mind! :-)

I've never been clingy with my husband before, but I don't want to let him out of my sight right now. I feel like half of me will still be at home when I arrive on Sunday. Fortunately, AT&T is allowing free calls and texts out of Haiti for all relief workers, so I will be able to share with him some sense of what I'm experiencing.

And, I wish I could get on that plane today. I'm ready to go. I know that nothing can prepare me for the devastation that will be in front of me when I arrive. I know my knowledge will be limited, but I'm trusting God to work miracles.

I'll do my best to update the bloggy-blog while I'm there if I have any internet access. Thanks for continuing to pray!

2010-02-11T18:38:00.000-08:00

Nine days until I leave, and God's already doing incredible things! I called my boss at the clinic earlier this week to ask if I could go to Haiti, and before I could get a word out of my mouth, she informed me of which nurses would be covering for me each day that I'm gone! Money just keeps pouring in, and I'm so thankful. There's no way Shaun and I could afford airfare and travel expenses right now. We are truly blessed. My eyes well up as, once again, I watch the people in our lives shower us with love.

I can't wait to be in Haiti. My arm really hurts from that darn typhoid fever vaccine, though! :-)

2010-02-09T12:44:00.000-08:00

IT'S OFFICIAL!! I leave for Haiti in just 11 days! I can't believe it! God is already providing the way and working out the details. Below is a copy of the support letter that I'm just about to drop off at the post office.

February 8, 2010

Dear Friends and Family,

I wanted to take a moment to tell you about an opportunity that God has set before me to grow personally, as well as to practically serve people who are hurting.

Just this past weekend, one of my good friends from nursing school invited me to join her on a medical mission to Haiti to provide much-needed medical care in a town just outside of the capital, Port au Prince. My jaw dropped when she told me how soon the team was leaving - the dates of the trip are February 21^st through March 1^st! But I knew that God was stirring my heart to go, and after talking with Shaun and our families, I have decided to join her. We will be traveling with a team through an organization called Hope for Haiti and my responsibility will be to assist with medical care in a clinic.

I truly count it a privilege, not only to help heal physical wounds that have been left by the earthquake, but also to point them to the One Who can heal them spiritually and make them whole. I am humbled that God would include me in His work and give me the chance to pour out love on the people of Haiti. I can’t wait!

Please pray – for safe travel, as well as safety when we arrive. As I’m sure you know, the conditions in Haiti are still very unstable. Pray for spiritual growth in my life as God gives me another opportunity to trust Him and make myself available to be used by Him. Pray for adequate supplies to provide safe, effective medical treatment. There are still people struggling with broken bones that have not been set and wounds that are terribly infected.

And, lastly, please consider donating if you’re able to at this time. The cost of the trip is roughly $1,000, which is more than Shaun and I can afford right now. If you would like to give, you can write a check to me personally, and it will go straight to the cost of airfare and travel. If I raise any more money than I absolutely need, every penny over that amount will go to purchasing medical supplies for the healthcare providers working in Haiti.

Thank you for your support. I can’t wait to share with you the ways in which God changes my life, as well as the lives of those for whom I will provide care.

With Love and Gratitude,

Courtney DeYager

I almost can't contain my excitement to go, but last night as I was laying next to my husband in bed as he was sleeping (it was like 2am and I was mentally packing!), I got really nervous. Not about my safety...I know I'm just as likely to get in a car accident on my way to the grocery store three minutes from our house as I am to get hurt or sick in Haiti. I was scared to go through this experience without Shaun. I've never been away from him for this long, and definitely not since Zachary died. He's my reality check...my protector...the one who provides so much balance in my life. Really, I'm scared to go through this life-changing experience without my best friend. But even though I'm nervous, God has more than nudged me to go and I know I'll be able to share this experience, even if it's in a limited way, with my husband. And I CAN'T WAIT! I would hop on a plane right now if I could.

Thank you, Lord, for this opportunity. Pour me out, Lord - everything I've got! Amen.

2010-02-08T10:51:00.001-08:00

I read Luke 24 over the weekend, and I've been chewing on it for a couple of days now. The scene takes place after the brutal crucifixion of Christ and His resurrection from the grave three days later. Here it is:

"Now that same day two of them were going to a village called Emmaus, about seven miles from Jerusalem. They were talking with each other about everything that had happened. As they talked and discussed these things with each other, Jesus himself came up and walked along with them; but they were kept from recognizing Him.

He asked them, 'What are you discussing together as you walk along?' They stood still, their faces downcast. One of them, named Cleopas, asked Him, 'Are you only a visitor to Jerusalem and do not know the things that have happened there in these days?'

'What things?' He asked.

'About Jesus of Nazareth,' they replied. 'He was a prophet, powerful in word and deed before God and all the people. The chief priests and our rulers handed Him over to be sentenced to death, and they crucified Him; but we had hoped that He was the One who was going to redeem Israel. And what is more, it is the third day since all this took place....

...He said to them, 'How foolish you are, and how slow of heart to believe all that the prophets have spoken!'"

How many times have I asked God 'where are You' when He has been right next to me...residing with me in our quiet, empty house...driving with me when I've cried all the way to work...sitting in the living room with us when we receive a phone call that one more job possibility has fallen through...in the doctor's office with me when the news isn't good?

How many times have I just missed Him...ignored Him...been too concerned about my hurts to recognize His presence? And 'slow of heart to believe'?

Oswald Chamber, in My Utmost For His Highest, says this about the poisonous feeling of spiritual dejection:

"[It]...causes me to demand an answer from God, instead of seeking God Himself who gives the answer. What have I been hoping or trusting God would do? Is today 'the third day' and He has still not done what I expected? Am I therefore justified in being dejected and in blaming God? Whenever we insist that God should give us an answer to prayer we are off track. The purpose of prayer is that we get ahold of God, not of the answer."

My mom reminded me this week that I might not ever understand this side of heaven all of the 'why's'...and when I get to heaven it probably won't matter because I'll have God...all of God! Answers won't matter there, so they probably shouldn't matter so much here, either. My relationship with God (which is an unfathomable gift in itself) must be based on the belief that He is good...always...in every situation, and it must be compelled purely by a pursuit of the true and living God, not answers.

God, please help me my unbelief.

Please pray with us - yesterday I was asked to join a medical missions team to Haiti and everything in me wants to go. We don't have the money, and they leave in less than two weeks, but maybe this is just one more area in which God wants to stretch my trust in Him.

2010-01-31T15:18:00.000-08:00

It's been a long week!

Yesterday afternoon, Shaun and I headed to the SCS gym to shoot around for a bit. We were meeting a few of the guys Shaun coaches there, and we were running late (surprise!). As we hurried across the valley, we hit every...and I mean EVERY red light. There are probably a dozen stoplights between our house and school and every single one of them was red. I was...well...disgruntled. We were almost there when I looked at the clock in the car and mumbled under my breath, "This is so typical...red lights...it's the story of our life."

Shaun looked over at me and said plainly, "But we're okay."

'Of course he'd say that,' I thought. But as quickly as that cynical thought crossed my mind and I all but rolled my eyes, I caught myself.

There have been so many times lately when I have needed my husband to be optimistic...to point out the good...to reassure me that this is not the end of the road for us. I'm so thankful for him.

"Yeah, I guess we are okay, huh?" I replied.

We're okay.

My doctor said to me this past week, "You can't wait to start your family until you have children. You start if before that with just the two of you. You have to take care of each other and invest in your family now."

So, while our family looks nothing like I thought it would, it's still our family. We've made it through so much in the past year. We've still got each other. God still has a plan for us. We're okay.

2010-01-27T16:58:00.000-08:00

My friend Julie sent me this song a couple of weeks ago.

It comes from a verse in Hosea 6:1,3:

"Come, let us return to the Lord. He has torn us to pieces but He will heal us; He has injured us but He will bind up our wounds...Let us acknowledge the Lord; let us press on to acknowledge Him. As surely as the sun rises, He will appear; He will come like the spring rains that water the earth."

You'll Come (Hillsong)

I have decided, I have resolved

To wait upon You, Lord

My Rock and Redeemer shall not be moved

I'll wait upon You, Lord

As surely as the sun will rise

You'll come to us

As certain as the dawn appears

You'll come, let Your glory fall

As You respond to us

Spirit rain, flood into

Our thirsty hearts again

You'll come

Chains be broken

Lives be healed

Eyes be opened

Christ revealed

2010-01-27T12:54:00.000-08:00

Shaun reminded me of this verse this morning:

"When you walk through the fire,

you will not be burned;

the flames will not set you ablaze."

Isaiah 43:2b

I'm hanging on to that promise and I know He's with me, but the searing hot coals under my bare feet hurt intensely right now. Just as I bring my foot up and it starts to cool, I'm forced to step down again. I don't have the audacity to even guess what God's up to...

2010-01-25T11:13:00.001-08:00

Please pray for us today. The grief is fresh and overwhelming.

2010-01-22T16:50:00.000-08:00

My heart is so heavy today.

I was standing over the kitchen sink this afternoon doing the dishes, and I was rattled by a memory of the day we arrived home from the hospital.

May 18th. I was exhausted and in a fog. The hospital staff had sent us home with a box full of momentos of our time with Zachary. I opened the box and pulled out the outfit they had dressed him in while we held him and loved on him in the hours after his birth. As I pulled it out, I noticed a blood stain around the neck. I went to the laundry room to grab some stain remover and detergent and stood weakly at the kitchen sink while I scrubbed that stain out. Shaun, noticing how pale my tear-stained face was, asked me to go sit down and promised to finish scrubbing the stain out himself. I slumped to the floor and cried, "I have to clean his outfit. It's the only laundry I'm ever going to get to do for him."

That's how I feel today...like slumped on the floor is where I belong...like I'm missing out on so much. The weight of living without my son is too much...too heavy. It's agonizing. I'm angry. I don't get it. The stack of clean baby towels in the linen closet mocks me. What I would give just to search for a tiny pair of socks that matched in a load of laundry! What I would give to bring Zachary back, even for a second!

Yet, as I wrestle, I am overwhelmed by the love of God. The more my heart aches, the more comfort I know. In that tension, there is growth and the knowledge that this hurt is not forever. Jeremiah 31:3-4 says, "I have loved you with an everlasting love; therefore, I have drawn you with lovingkindness. Again I will build you and you will be rebuilt." As welcoming as the kitchen floor looks, I'll cling to God's love and His promise to rebuild.

2010-01-20T17:12:00.000-08:00

For the past week I have struggled with fear and anxiety. Like I've mentioned before, these feelings have only plagued me for the past eight months, and I hate it. I don't feel like myself, and I find it odd because, really, things are going okay. We're hanging in there financially, successfully working through stuff in our marriage, when grief floods me, it's a little less 'punch-you-in-the-gut', and I've truly never been more fulfilled or happy in my work. Nevertheless, I feel extremely anxious, and trying to suffocate these feelings isn't going to get me anywhere...so my conversation with God went a little something like this today:

Me: "God, my mind is spinning and if I started to list off the reasons why I'm anxious, we'd be here all afternoon."

God: (silence)

Me: "I could really use some help getting to the bottom of these feelings. And I could also use some peace right now, too."

God: (silence)

Me: "Okay, fine. I'll go open my Bible to Isaiah again...it seems to be the book of choice lately."

So, Isaiah 41 has been the chapter of the day. It's interesting...since I was probably 12 years old, I've had the same Bible engraved in silver letters with my maiden name (except now it says "Courtn_y Marie Ra__in" because some of the letters have worn off), and whenever God has shown me a powerful verse in a crucial time in my life, I've written down the date in the margin. In the margin next to Isaiah 41 are quite a few dates listed...the week I started high school, the week my uncle died, the day I started working at Children's Hospital, etc. Here's what God promises in Isaiah 41:9-10, 18:

"You whom I have taken from the ends of the earth, and called from its remotest parts and said to you, 'You are my servant, I have chosen you and not rejected you.' Do not fear, for I am with you; do not anxiously look about you, for I am your God. I will strengthen you, surely I will help you...I will open rivers on the bare heights and springs in the midst of the valleys; I will make the wilderness a pool of water and the dry land fountains of water." (NASB)

I'm hanging on to that tonight. And, reading those words and seeing those dates in the margin reminds me of God's faithfulness. My heart is at peace.

8 Months

2010-01-16T15:56:00.000-08:00

Zachary,

I miss you so much!

I miss getting to know your personality and what makes you you. I miss baby food mis-haps and hearing your laugh. I miss showing you off to friends and family, packing a diaper bag everywhere I go, and bringing you to the gym for basketball games.

And, even though you'd be pretty squirmy by now, I desperately miss holding you close to me.

As your dad and I continue to move on in life, please know that the distance created by time does not distance you from my heart.

I love you, baby boy!

Mom

2010-01-12T09:37:00.000-08:00

Oops! I forgot to post a picture of the Zachary's Christmas ornament! Here is it:

2010-01-08T12:03:00.000-08:00

I stink with directions. I get lost driving to places I've been a thousand times. I know almost no street names, few landmarks, and I'm pretty sure a GPS couldn't even help.

The same is true in my spiritual life. I have a terrible sense of direction on my own...much like the Israelites.

In Exodus, the Israelites, after leaving bondage in Egypt, start making their way to a land God has promised them. The journey is...well...terrible. They trek through the wilderness...the desert... for decades (yes, decades), but God is with them. He makes it abundantly obvious to the Israelites that He is more than capable to provide for them...that He is worthy of their trust. God performs miracle after miracle, and still the Israelites disobey, believing that their way is better...easier...more efficient. Sound familiar?

Now, I've begged God to lead me out of my personal 'wilderness' (which is nothing compared to the wilderness that the Israelites wandered around in, by the way). And, time and time again He has said, 'Wait. I'm with you, I will lead you, and I have more to teach you here.'

So, today I'm reading in Exodus 33, where the Israelites have disobeyed God once again and Moses is asking God for His presence and guidance as they continue on their tumultuous journey...and I come across this verse (15): Moses says to God, "If Your presence does not go with us, do not send us up from here."

In other words, 'God, if You're not going to go with us, let us stay here, wandering around in the wilderness because our Deliverer is of far greater value to us than the deliverance'

What?! My heart started pounding faster as I thought of the implications of this verse...

How many of us can say that - 'God, Your presence is better than escaping the personal wilderness I find myself in'?

I'm just grappling with this this morning. Do I love God because of Who He is or because of what He can do for me? Is the Deliverer of greater value to me than the deliverance? Am I so anxious to get out of the desert that I'm missing an opportunity to know God better and fall more in love with Him?

I hate even admitting that these questions are circulating my mind today, but it's true.

In the depths of my heart I want to know the Comforter more than the comfort...the Healer more than the healing...the Provider more than the provision. But I get so anxious in the wilderness that I look for the fastest, easiest way out sometimes...I try to take matters into my own hands only to find that I really do stink with directions!

Patience. Obedience. Submission. Relationship. That's what God is asking of my once again today. I wish I weren't so stubborn...so prideful. Lord, please keep teaching me.

"I will lead the blind by ways they have not known,
along unfamiliar paths I will guide them;
I will turn the darkness into light before them
and make the rough places smooth.
These are the things I will do;
I will not forsake them." Isaiah 42:16

"...to Him who led His people through the desert,
His love endures forever." Psalm 136:16

2010-01-07T14:14:00.000-08:00

How to share the exciting news that you're expecting with a friend who has just lost her baby 101:

Oh, I'm not expecting...I'm writing this from the other side - the recipient of that news over and over and over and over. :-) Great news? Absolutely. Difficult to hear after your baby has died? Absolutely. I've been blessed with considerate people around me, so the only reason I'm writing this is because I have many friends who are struggling with life after pregnancy loss or infertility without such considerate friends...one of whom was wading through the muck of it just last night after hearing the exciting announcement from two more of her close friends who are pregnant.

So, if you've just taken a pregnancy test and it's positive, and you're thrilled to share the news with your friends and family (which you totally should be), take a moment to think about those mamas in your life who might have a hard time expressing their excitement at the news because of personal life circumstances.

First, try to give your grieving friend a quiet heads-up. It was really helpful to me after Zachary died if my friends told me privately, through email or in conversation that they were pregnant. Now, that doesn't mean that as soon as your grieving friend has a moment alone she won't burst into tears, but it stings a little less than a grand announcement in a meeting or at church or in front of a large group of friends.

Second, don't be offended if your grieving friend doesn't jump up and down and offer to go to Babies'R'Us with you tomorrow. Is the response selfish and fueled by jealously? I'm sure it is, in part, but the root of the response is grief. And, even though we really are happy for you and it is great news, it still really hurts to hear. It brings up a whole new dimension of our loss in a way.

And, lastly, after you announce to your friend that you're pregnant, try (really hard) to think of topics of discussion besides your pregnancy. Your world now is the developing life inside you. Our world is still attempting to navigate through life without our baby. So, it's really helpful to have a conversation with a friend who is pregnant about...oh...the weather, marriage, cell biology, anything, really.

While this post has been specifically about being sensitive to those who have lost a baby, I've been challenged to look at other areas of life in which I could be more considerate, too. I've caught myself many times in the past month or so complaining about my husband in front of a friend who would love to share life with a spouse...grumbling about my job or finances in front of someone who is unemployed and worse off than we are...the list could go on and on. So, I'm trying harder to think before I speak and truly "rejoice with those who rejoice" and "mourn with those who mourn." (Rom. 12:15)

2010-01-06T15:36:00.000-08:00

I keep coming back to Isaiah 42 this week, and God continues to challenge me to put my faith in His promises and His power to redeem. I experience incredible freedom when I surrender myself to Him, and I am filled with hope as I watch God use Zachary's story to impact lives.

Isaiah 42:5-7,9 say:

"This is what God the Lord says -

He Who created the heavens and stretched them out,

who spread out the earth and all that comes out of it,

who gives breath to its people,

and life to those who walk on it:

'I, the LORD, have called you in righteousness;

I will take hold of your hand.
I will keep you and will make you

to be a covenant for the people

and a light for the Gentiles,

to open eyes that are blind,
to free captives from prison
and to release from the dungeon those who sit in darkness...

See, the former things have taken place,
and new things I declare;
before they spring into being
I announce them to you."

2010-01-05T20:51:00.000-08:00

I just finished cleaning up the kitchen after having the team I get to lead worship with every Sunday at the Kent Campus over for a potluck. We discussed what's going well and what could be better, what the vision for our team in 2010 should be, etc., but the general consensus - we care a lot about each other and love to do ministry together every week...even at 7am when we arrive to set up a high school to run a church service...quite a task!

I can't begin to describe what an incredible community of growth and healing God has provided in this team of people. Just one more way that His grace is sufficient as I continue to learn how to live without Zachary.

Oh, and by the way, I can't believe this is a job! :-)

2010-01-03T22:54:00.001-08:00

"Through trials, God bids us to choose:

Do we believe, or do we not?

Will we be bold enough to love,

daring enough to serve,

humble enough to submit,

and strong enough to acknowledge our limitations?

Can we surrender our concern

in things that don't matter

so that we might devote our remaining days

to things that do?"

- Tony Snow

2010-01-03T21:33:00.000-08:00

As our last church service ended this morning, out of the corner of my eye I saw a man walk up to the platform where I was sitting at the piano. I glanced to my right, and it took me a second to figure out who he was. But, as soon as I placed him in my mind, a huge smile crept across my face. "Ken!" I said as I jumped down from the stage.

Last March, a young woman at our church - a wife and a mom and an all-around incredible follower of Christ - was diagnosed with cancer, and after a brief battle, she went home to be with the Lord. I didn't know Christina well, but towards the end of her life, she asked that me and my friend Heidi sing at her memorial service. And that service was awesome! Not at all because I had a part in it...I could barely choke out lyrics with that lump in my throat as I watched the faces of her husband and young son. It was awesome because this woman lived to the hilt! The way in which Christina lived her last weeks of life was no different than how she lived every day before she was diagnosed. I was 7 months pregnant at the time, and I remember leaving that service amazed by how she lived, but also so distraught for her husband and son. I wondered how people even functioned after leaving a memorial service for someone they loved.

In June, just weeks after planning a memorial service for my son, guess who came to mind? Christina. So, I got out a notecard and a pen, and I wrote a simple note to Ken, Christina's husband. I told him how impressed I was by his beautiful wife. I told him that he was a great dad. And I told him that we have so much to look forward to because we both have incredible treasures awaiting us in heaven.

I prayed for Ken often, but I never heard from him after that...

Until today.

After giving me a big hug, he told me that he appreciated my card...so much so that he's opened it and re-read it many times in the past six months.

And my brief interaction with Ken brought to mind all the people who have gone out of their way since our son died to let us know that they care...that they remember our heartache...that they miss Zachary, too. I have re-read many of the heartfelt cards that people have sent us.

I didn't send that card to Ken so that I would receive a "thank-you" or an accolade. But his response was a good reminder to me that when someone you know is hurting, do something about it. Pray for them and look for practical ways to be helpful. Offer to bring them a meal or groceries. And remember that saying something, even if it's that you don't know what to say, is better than saying nothing at all. I know there's at least one person coming to your mind right now, so go grab a notecard and a pen and get a card in the mail tomorrow.

2010-01-02T11:26:00.000-08:00

New.

I love that word.

I loved celebrating the New Year this week…I really feel like it’s an accomplishment for some reason. Maybe I’m just ready for 2009 to be over and 2010 to begin.

It was so funny…I was sitting in my living room on New Year’s Eve with great friends watching the fireworks go off of the top of the Space Needle, and I just wanted to jump up and down! Partly because I LOVE fireworks, but mostly because I felt a fresh hope creep up inside of me for what’s to come this year. I’m praying and trusting the Lord for big things – in our marriage, in our employment, in our family, in our ministry. But, most of all, I know that God’s making me new to better reflect Who He is.

As I let go and surrender to His work, not only do I feel greater peace day to day, I can also trust Him for our future. Good or bad, I’m not alone and His purposes for me are greater than I can comprehend.

And, as we move into a new year, I keep finding little ways to avoid leaving Zachary behind. Sometimes those things seem like a miserable substitute for having him here, but it’s nice to incorporate the memory of our son into our lives…at least until we see him again.

May you be blessed with a newness of life as we begin this year, trusting the Lord for whatever it holds.

2009-12-27T13:47:00.000-08:00

We had a great Christmas. Not at all what we had pictured a year ago, but our time with each other and with family was sweet. Now, if only I could sleep for about 3 days straight to catch up!

God continues to stretch my faith, all the while reminding me so evidently that He is faithful. He always has been, always will be. He is Emmanuel, God with us, even in our darkness.

For Christmas, my little sister gave me a wall hanging with Isaiah 42:16 on it:

“I will guide you.

I will turn darkness into light before you

and make the rough places smooth.”

I have been challenged over the past couple of days as that verse circulates my mind to believe that…really believe it. And to trust God for the seemingly impossible. He keeps reminding me that nothing is too big for Him. He continues to bring “darkness into light” and “make the rough places smooth.” Thank You, Lord!

I just ordered a glass basketball ornament with Zachary’s name written across the front…I’ll post a picture when it arrives.

We’re off to our final (Hallelujah!) Christmas celebration. :-)

2009-12-21T16:41:00.001-08:00

By the way, I'm so thankful we serve a God Who is not limited to Christmas lights and carols...a God Who chose to give us His Son as a baby in a manger so He could empathize with us fully in our struggles. And, I'm so thankful that the manger was only the beginning of the story - that it just points us to the cross where death was conquered and the power of new life is offered!

"I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe. That power is like the working of his mighty strength, which he exerted in Christ when he raised him from the dead and seated him at his right hand in the heavenly realms, far above all rule and authority, power and dominion, and every title that can be given, not only in the present age but also in the one to come." Ephesians 1:18-21

2009-12-21T16:14:00.000-08:00

Last night Shaun and I stayed up thinking of a special way to remember our boy this Christmas. We thought of all of the dreams we had for Zachary, and one that stood out in both of our minds was the dream of watching him play basketball someday. Being raised by basketball coaches, both Shaun and I grew up as total gym rats, and now we share a love for the game. Shaun tells me often that he mourns not carrying Zachary around while he's coaching a practice...or when he looks up in the bleachers during a basketball game and sees me sitting alone, without our son.

So, tomorrow my goal is to find an basketball ornament...just a little way of incorporating our baby into our lives this Christmas.

2009-12-18T09:31:00.000-08:00

I believe that you can only experience joy to the depth to which you have experienced pain. In some odd way, they go together. And this past week, I have experienced more peace and contentment, and even joy than I have in a long, long time.

For weeks…months…I have been trying to live in the naïve innocence I used to enjoy…a false idea that bad things only happened to other people…that all women deliver healthy babies at 9 months…that for some reason, I was exempt. I have been finding myself so frustrated by the tension of what I know is reality…that I am in no way exempt from the tragedies of life…and that longing for life to be how it was.

But this week has been a bit of a gentle shove from the Lord. It’s as if He’s saying, “Your life is different now, so live differently.”

And this week I have finally had the energy and emotional wherewithal to invest…really invest in others. I’ve had multiple opportunities to use my loss to help those struggling through this thing called grief, some of whom are just a few steps behind me on this journey, and some of whom I will never even meet.

Right now I have the privilege through a friend who works as an RN at the hospital where we delivered to help strengthen those things that were done with excellence and improve those things that could make the process for a grieving mother just a little bit more bearable.

God gave me this awesome word picture of my tears watering the desert ground for those walking just a few steps behind me in their loss.

You can only experience joy to the depth to which you experience pain. And if you choose to try to stifle the pain in life, you will find yourself trapped in a very small, limited cage of emotion. Sure, you can avoid your pain to a certain extent, but it limits your joy…life becomes so mundane.

I have a friend who says, “You can grieve good and you can grieve bad.” I know that I have “grieved good” because that joy…that joy that used to characterize my life before loss…that joy that I’ve so missed…is finally starting to bubble up in my heart on an ongoing basis once again. It doesn’t mean I don’t have bad moments…and days, but what a breath of fresh air!

My goal this week is to think of something small to honor Zachary this Christmas…something that would be meaningful to Shaun and I…

PS – Thanks for praying us through another “17^th”.

PPS – Spring is coming!

7 Months

2009-12-15T00:21:00.000-08:00

My Zachary Boy,

How has it been so long since we've had you with us? You would be seven months old today...at such a fun stage in life. It's hard to think about all that your dad and I are missing without you here. But I can say with confidence that you are not missing anything...heaven has provided you with a fullness of life we cannot even begin to imagine. However, not a day, and rarely a moment goes by that I do not think about you and miss you terribly.

I bet Christmas in heaven is awesome! Thousands of angels singing the "Hallelujah" chorus would certainly beat Brenda White's rendition of "Christmas In The Northwest" that seems to play on every radio station right now. :-) I can't wait to celebrate together someday.

Your dad and I miss you and love you so much. Your short life continues to change, not only our lives, but the lives of so many other people, some of whom we have never even met. We love you, son, and we're so proud to be your mom and dad. What a precious gift you are to us!

Mom

2009-12-14T16:22:00.000-08:00

In the past two weeks I have been so saddened by the brokenness of our world.

I've never seen so many men and women begging on street corners.

Violence so rampant that even police officers are being senselessly gunned down.

Unemployment or underemployment affecting one family after another.

And tragedy seemingly surrounding us on every side.

And yet there is hope.

"But in my mind's eye I can see a place

Where Your glory fills every empty space

All the cancer is gone, every mouth is fed

And there's no one left in the orphan's bed

Every lonely heart finds their one true love

And there's no more goodbye

And no more not enough

And there's...

no more enemy."

(Steven Curtis Chapman, Heaven Is The Face)

"Therefore, since we have been justified through faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have gained access by faith into this grace in which we now stand. And we rejoice in the hope of the glory of God. Not only so, but we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us." Romans 5:1-5

2009-12-11T14:28:00.000-08:00

I've noticed a few changes in my ability to function since Zachary died...they have been quite puzzling to me, especially in the past month. I kind of shrugged it all off at first because I was in "survival mode." But, now, it's been almost seven months since we said goodbye to our boy, and I'm still struggling with things I've never struggled with before.

First of all, I've always been a "people person," but lately, I get really anxious in a group of more than...oh...four people, even if I know everyone really well. Sometimes, I walk through a door into a crowded room and scope out a quiet corner (or even the bathroom) where I can escape if needed.

Second, I'm always expecting the phone to ring with bad news...it's like I'm just waiting for the next tragic thing to happen. Now, I've never been the most optimistic person (my parents could attest to that...okay, and Shaun, too), but I've always been excited about the future. Now I'm a chronic worrier...ugh.

And, third, I become irate over the most ridiculous things...the car in front of me that drives too slow, a piece of dirty laundry on the bathroom floor...really, anything these days! I've never been so agitated in my life.

So, what's a grieving mama to do? Well, they (counselors, doctors, etc) tell me that it's good, ol' PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder). Super. Probably right, but that makes me feel like...a nut case.

But, I had my "issues" explained to me in a much softer light this past week...a light that made me feel a bit less like a crazy person (or, at least it wasn't an abbreviated medical term).

Life is now about strengthening those areas in which I have been changed for the better through loss and working through those areas that are dysfunctional because of it. How simple sounding is that?! I feel like that's do-able.

So, as we go into the season of one Christmas party after another, with plenty of crowds and stressors, that's what I'm determining to do - to set myself up for success by recognizing when I need to be alone and quiet and setting boundaries. Strengthen the good, work through the not-so-good.

If you're feeling a bit dysfunctional in the stage of life you're in, look at your situation honestly and make that your goal. And, be encouraged...you're certainly not the only crazy person in town! :-)